Catchy title isn't it, but it really sums up my last 3 days! I have been reading this book series about vampires, I am on the 6th book (actually I just finished the 6th book). As I was reading this last book I became acutely aware of how much I saw of myself in the main character his name is Phury and he is an amazingly attractive Vampire Warrior, so of course why wouldn't I see myself in him (I know that is the question you are currently asking yourself)? The thing is that Phury is all calm and well mannered and takes care of everyone in his life and does not really care for himself, he is an addict, he listens to the voice of the "wizard" in his head that constantly rips him apart and lists his failures, he does not let anyone get close to him so his is the one in the group that is trusted but no one really knows, he secludes himself and pushes the ones that he loves away...........now do you see where I am going with this. All those things I described about him are things that I know to be true about myself and they are the things that are keeping me from moving forward.
Out of all those things there are a few that I really want to elaborate on.
FIRST -I am an addict, I think about food 24/7, I think about what I am going to eat while I am eating. I realized the other day that I don't enjoy food, I just scarf it down. I don't enjoy flavors and how good it is I just want something to fill me, but I am never satisfied because I am looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. This is a huge problem. There is a quote from the book that hit me hard (and yes, I am now going to give you a quote from a book that I refer to as vampire porn, don't worry) "life, you can't take advantage of it if you are sitting on your ass in the shadows....whether it's in actuality or metaphorically because you are trapped in an addict's darkness." I feel trapped and I feel, make that I know that I have wasted years of my life doing nothing because of this addiction and the ramifications that it has had on me both physically and mentally.
SECOND- For the last 3 years I have separated myself from most everybody in my life. I don't think I knew what I was doing at the time but I just became so ashamed of the person that I had become that I started pushing people away (of course I became bitter and upset that there was not a lot of effort to keep me from retreating). I left the one place that I loved and the only place I felt at home because I no longer felt good enough to be there and because walking through the doors became mentally toxic to me. I began believing again that I was only a good friend because of what I could do or give, not because of who I am. I began believing that being friends with me was some sort of punishment for those around me, I mean really who wanted to be seen in public with me. I think at times that I have retreated so much that I don't even know how to be social anymore. It is awkward for me to just hang out with people. I have always felt that I am just the platonic version of the booty call, you know I am not the person that you call to hang out because you want to have a good time, I am the one people call when no one else is available. I am that friend that is forgettable, we might hang for a while but I am easy to walk away from and not give another thought about, I am the one that if there is a group thing and a lot of people are coming I end up at a table with people I don't know because no one remembers to save me a seat. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to be important, unforgettable, and a part of something better than being a fan of Glee and Biggest Loser. (these are my feelings and beliefs that I hold, I am not looking for pity or a bunch of perk up comments, it is just if I don't put there comments somewhere they continually roll through my head, in the darkness, and they really need to be exposed to the light).
THIRD- I have my own "wizard". I think that this is the biggest thing I have in common with my vampire friend. I have this voice that I have listened to for years (it isn't as fancy as the one in the book, the one in the book has a British accent). The voice is only getting worse (see "Second" topic above for examples of irrational thoughts). I know to some extent everyone has a small voice inside that we deal with, but if you are like me and have given into that voice it grows each time you accept the thoughts it give you. This voice defeats everything I try to do and reminds me of every failure (real or perceived) in my life on a daily (multiple times a day) basis. (For all you mental health people reading this I am not hearing actual voices, I promise) I refuse to give into this line of thinking any longer, I know I have had failures in my life and I will have failures in the future, I am human, it is a given. But just because I have made mistakes and failed it does not mean that I should not try. One of my biggest thought battles right now is What if I actually do this, lose the weight, and nothing changes. I mean what if it doesn't work and then where will I be, all the excuses I have made for years about my weight holding me back wont be true, it will just boil down to there actually being something wrong with me, because without this extra 140 lbs, what will I have to blame. But there is now this very small (but feisty and kinda sounds like Lisa) voice that says But what if it works, what if you lose the weight and find love, peace, and joy that you have waited your entire life for. I chose to now listen to the small feisty Lisa voice because on the off chance that weight loss does not improve my life, I am more than certain the the world will still have ice cream, french fries, Rex's chicken, marshmallows, and my dad's brownies and I am very well acquainted with how to gain weight.
And finally to address the 6 pounds, well that is what I have gained. I am not going to make excuses. I fell off the wagon big time and struggled for the last two weeks and the scale reflects that so the new weight is 281 but next week it will not be 281. I will post again tomorrow to identify this weeks goals and do an actual weigh in. BTW, if I am not posting I am probably not doing well so feel free to check in on me either here, FB, or call. I tend to not want to put my struggles on here until I am through them but I am going to try to get better at the asking for help thing. Thanks for reading.
PS~ for those of you wondering, yes my lip/chin is still numb and I am still having a good amount of pain in my front teeth from the nerve damage.
