So I have been really bad at blogging over the past month but I have to tell you it is because I am actually working out. I’ll wait a few minutes for you to pick yourself up off the floor……………seriously I am at the gym everyday but Sunday and Thursday, however that is even fixing to change because the Y has added more Zumba classes. Well that and I went to San Francisco for 9 days, where I did not work out as planned but I did average 4 miles of walking a day (which led to a lot of ankle issues). I can’t tell you that I have lost any weight (I am currently at 272) because I really haven’t but I have lost inches. And by the way that would be 7 FREAKIN INCHES!!
I went to Zumba tonight for the first time since I left for vacation and I realized I missed it so much. (I cannot believe that I, Melissa Hueste, just actually typed that) I love just dancing and having fun. I am excited that I will have more opportunities to go to classes and I have even been told that there is a Zumba game for the Wii (Christmas present idea if anyone feels like getting me one or Just Dance, I want that one too). I also started going to a belly dance class, well I went to one, and I plan on going back. It is not just belly dance but it is also an abs class. In that class I learned that my abs are sad and I don’t have any muscle tone in my butt, so the shimmy of the butt is very difficult and I am pretty sure that my left butt cheek doesn’t work at all but I will get there! And did I mention that in belly dance class you get to wear a jingly wrap/belt!!!!
So I have to workout portion of things under control and now I just need to get on board with the nutrition. I had joined Weight Watchers but I am not really excited about the program. I have 3 months left on my membership and Weight Watchers just changed their program so as of December 11th (I have to wait for payday to buy more groceries) I will follow the new program and just see. Until then I am going to live on the Healthy Choice meals I have purchased and whatever I have saved up in the freezer along with fruits and veggies. Any nutrition tips, menus, shopping lists, and recipes are more than welcome.
I will keep you updated and I am going to try to be better about blogging weekly. I will also try to write a few more blogs this weekend.
Friday, December 3, 2010
The BOOBS Blog
Yep I am writing a blog about my boobs, so for any gentlemen that might be reading you might just want to stop here or keep reading, I mean I am putting it actually them out there!
On with the blog. About 4 weeks ago, my amazing, sweet, tell-it-like-it-is friend Kirby look at me and said “Now that is a tragedy” my response “what, I am wearing the best pants I have, I can’t help it if they sag” and her response was not in words but was the simple action of grabbing a hold of my bra strap and hoisting one of “my girls” into its appropriate place. That one simple action was the beginning of a huge change.
So a couple days later I ventured out to purchase new bras, however according to Kirby I was only allowed to purchase bras with underwire and I had to have assistance. So off I went. I actually asked a sales clerk to assist me and I went to the dressing room with about 8 different bras in a bunch of different sizes (apparently not only did my bras have no support but they were also the wrong size, however they were really comfortable). So I tried the first one on (that I could actually get clasped) and put a shirt on over it and stood looking in AWE at the mirror. I was amazed at the difference. I walked out of the store with 4 new bras and a completely different attitude.
See here is the deal I have big boobs, I have always had the big breastases and I never really liked them. As I gained weight they grew, they sagged, and then they just seemed to be an extension of my stomach. But then I put on the bra and you know what, they don’t have to sag or be an extension of my stomach they can be in the appropriate place like all the other normal boobs in the world. The thing is that I could have tried on an underwire bra forever ago but this was the first time that I was able to try one on look at myself in the mirror and think “Dang, I look good”. It is the first time that dealing with the pain of the bra (because those wires are not comfortable) was actually worth it because I believe that I am actually worth it and that I can look good.
So the next day I wore the bra to work, Kirby was proud of me and people noticed a difference and not just in the way I looked but in the way that I carried myself and my attitude. I felt good and I also stared at my boobs all day. I was just amazed by them. To be honest 3 weeks later, I still find myself staring…..
I didn’t write this blog so that the next time you see me you will feel compelled to check out my boobs but because this was a turning point for me. I can put on my new bra and feel good about myself and I can wear all of the shirts that I own that have the empire seams in them and my boobs are above not below the seam (who knew that could happen?). A few weeks before this bra incident I had decided that I needed to start dressing as the person I want to be not as the person that I currently am. I literally sat in my car one night and said “I don’t wanna be a scrub cuz scrubs don’t get no love” and then immediately sent a text to my sister asking her to help me pick out new clothes and I went home and threw out everything that was too big or just didn’t line up for the image of myself that I want to portray and I am slowly but surely getting great clothes and changing the way I look and I love it because I am learning to love myself, boobs included. And that my friends is the Boobs Blog!
On with the blog. About 4 weeks ago, my amazing, sweet, tell-it-like-it-is friend Kirby look at me and said “Now that is a tragedy” my response “what, I am wearing the best pants I have, I can’t help it if they sag” and her response was not in words but was the simple action of grabbing a hold of my bra strap and hoisting one of “my girls” into its appropriate place. That one simple action was the beginning of a huge change.
So a couple days later I ventured out to purchase new bras, however according to Kirby I was only allowed to purchase bras with underwire and I had to have assistance. So off I went. I actually asked a sales clerk to assist me and I went to the dressing room with about 8 different bras in a bunch of different sizes (apparently not only did my bras have no support but they were also the wrong size, however they were really comfortable). So I tried the first one on (that I could actually get clasped) and put a shirt on over it and stood looking in AWE at the mirror. I was amazed at the difference. I walked out of the store with 4 new bras and a completely different attitude.
See here is the deal I have big boobs, I have always had the big breastases and I never really liked them. As I gained weight they grew, they sagged, and then they just seemed to be an extension of my stomach. But then I put on the bra and you know what, they don’t have to sag or be an extension of my stomach they can be in the appropriate place like all the other normal boobs in the world. The thing is that I could have tried on an underwire bra forever ago but this was the first time that I was able to try one on look at myself in the mirror and think “Dang, I look good”. It is the first time that dealing with the pain of the bra (because those wires are not comfortable) was actually worth it because I believe that I am actually worth it and that I can look good.
So the next day I wore the bra to work, Kirby was proud of me and people noticed a difference and not just in the way I looked but in the way that I carried myself and my attitude. I felt good and I also stared at my boobs all day. I was just amazed by them. To be honest 3 weeks later, I still find myself staring…..
I didn’t write this blog so that the next time you see me you will feel compelled to check out my boobs but because this was a turning point for me. I can put on my new bra and feel good about myself and I can wear all of the shirts that I own that have the empire seams in them and my boobs are above not below the seam (who knew that could happen?). A few weeks before this bra incident I had decided that I needed to start dressing as the person I want to be not as the person that I currently am. I literally sat in my car one night and said “I don’t wanna be a scrub cuz scrubs don’t get no love” and then immediately sent a text to my sister asking her to help me pick out new clothes and I went home and threw out everything that was too big or just didn’t line up for the image of myself that I want to portray and I am slowly but surely getting great clothes and changing the way I look and I love it because I am learning to love myself, boobs included. And that my friends is the Boobs Blog!
Monday, November 8, 2010
An Adventure at Spin Class!!
CAUTION: The following is a true story, details are graphic and viewer discretion is advised.
About a month ago I embarked on a new journey that led me to my first ever spin class. Spin class is taught by Kitty, who I now refer to as “Northside Jillian”. Upon arrival at the class I chose my bike and Kitty helped me adjust the settings and explained how to use the bike. My amazing friend Burgan, who was brave enough to encounter this experience with me, was also new to spinning and got the same instructions. So as we were getting our instructions Kitty explained that the seat of the bike would be uncomfortable but as time wears on you will get use to it (liar). And how exactly do I get use to it? Do I get calluses? Because I really do not think that hoo-ha calluses are attractive, not that it matters for me at this time, but still it just sounds icky and wrong in general.
She also explained that the seat has a section called the “horn,” it is this said section that literally jabs into your woman parts and makes you cry like a baby. I do not know why I needed to know that it is called a horn, I mean I cannot think of one horn that would ever be pleasant to sit on ( I had pictures of sitting on a trumpet dancing in my head) and believe me the horn on a spin bike is about as far away from pleasant as you can get. The actual purpose of the horn (other than pain) is to let you know if your seat adjustment is right because apparently when you are going uphill (standing and pedaling) the horn should hit just below your butt.
So now we were ready for class, well it did take me about 5 minutes to get my feet strapped into the pedals because it is hard when you have a rather large stomach to bend over and strap your feet into a moving pedal while sitting on a friggin HORN. But none the less I was strapped in and ready to go. At 6:15 with Burgan, 2 other girls, Kitty, and me the class started. There was loud music and the no lights (this is a good thing because a very dim room made me feel a lot less self conscious). I was determined to love spin class because they do it on BL so surely I can do it, too. Well by 6:19PM I wanted to die and we hadn’t even changed the resistance or started uphill yet. By 6:21 I was pretty sure that I was dead and in Hell. I have never felt such pain before, I was convinced that I was going to pass out and fall off my bike, which would be even more painful because my feet were strapped in. I tried to do the uphills but when I stood up I couldn’t pedal so I decided that I would just crank up some resistance and sit and continue to be violated by the friggin HORN. And then it happened about 15 minutes in (yes, people all that happened in the first 15 minutes) Northside Jillian said “it is your lucky day because on Wednesdays…..we do squats” My mind shouted “what the Hell” my lady parts rejoiced at getting off the horn. So I got off my bike and did squats, I don’t know how many squats because I was just focused on not dying. And then back on the bike, (which took me longer because that whole big stomach and strapping my feet in thing) and we did it all over again. I tried to keep up and Kitty was encouraging (and probably fearful that I was going to die in her class, I was pretty sure I could hear her trying to recall exactly how to perform CPR). Burgan was a rock and would encourage me as we were going. I tried to keep up but I did not try any more uphills but I DID NOT EVER STOP MOVING. After the 2nd set of squats (I do know that we added more squats each time because at the last set we did 30 friggin squats) I got back on the bike and started chanting “I will not quit”. I thought I was just saying it in my head until I realized that I was saying it out loud with ever movement of the pedals. I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit. It was literally the only reason I kept going through the 3rd and final sets of squats and spinning and then it was over. I really did not know what to do at that point because I did not know if I would be able to walk to my car. I was in so much pain my legs hurt, my hands hurt from gripping the handlebars, my crotch hurt, I wondered why anyone chooses to do this to themselves.
Kitty told me that I did a good job and I left the class room with Burgan. Burgan told me I did a good job. I told me I did a good job even though all I really did was sit and pedal and do some half-ass squats but I did not quit. I burned 700 calories in those 45 minutes. I got in my car and called my dad, he answered the phone and I responded with a sobbing “I just did a spin class”, I was bawling to the point that my dad thought I was hurt and needed to pull over. I was shocked by the crying and I felt like a BL contestant but the crying was from many things: PAIN, relief that it was over, PAIN, exhaustion, my violated hoo-ha, but most importantly it was a break thru, I did not quit, I was proud of myself. It was literally one of the hardest things I have ever done and there were parts that were embarrassing and shameful (strapping my feet in) but I did not give up or walk out, I did not stop when I was hurting or when I couldn’t keep up, I DID NOT QUIT. And I decided then and there that would not be my last spin class. My dad talked to me for a while and told me that he was proud of me. It made all the difference in the world.
When I got home I took a shower thinking that would help. WRONG, nothing could help the pain and soreness. I honestly believe that the pain is equal to child birth. Oh My Jesus, it hurt to stand, sit, pee, walk, any movement in general hurt. The running joke at work was that I was going to have a prayer vigil for my undercarriage. But you know 2 days later I went to Zumba and the movement and stretching helped. I will go back to spin class, probably not in my near future as I would like to focus on my stomach and abs before I go back. But the important thing for me is that I plan on going back, I know that the pain doesn’t last forever, I have talked to people who have assured me that I will not get callused, and one person that explained to me that it is good to be toned and fit in all areas of our bodies (that thought is still kinda weird to me). Most importantly I have worked out consistently ever since that class. There is no turning back this is how my life is now, I will be healthy, that I can control. Sometimes it might hurt (and I might feel violated by the horn) but in the end I will feel good about myself.
So who wants to go spin with me?
PS- I have been told that the first class is always the worst. My friend told me that if you make it thru the first class and go back you will start to love it. I kinda doubt that I am going to love it but who knows, anything is possible.
About a month ago I embarked on a new journey that led me to my first ever spin class. Spin class is taught by Kitty, who I now refer to as “Northside Jillian”. Upon arrival at the class I chose my bike and Kitty helped me adjust the settings and explained how to use the bike. My amazing friend Burgan, who was brave enough to encounter this experience with me, was also new to spinning and got the same instructions. So as we were getting our instructions Kitty explained that the seat of the bike would be uncomfortable but as time wears on you will get use to it (liar). And how exactly do I get use to it? Do I get calluses? Because I really do not think that hoo-ha calluses are attractive, not that it matters for me at this time, but still it just sounds icky and wrong in general.
She also explained that the seat has a section called the “horn,” it is this said section that literally jabs into your woman parts and makes you cry like a baby. I do not know why I needed to know that it is called a horn, I mean I cannot think of one horn that would ever be pleasant to sit on ( I had pictures of sitting on a trumpet dancing in my head) and believe me the horn on a spin bike is about as far away from pleasant as you can get. The actual purpose of the horn (other than pain) is to let you know if your seat adjustment is right because apparently when you are going uphill (standing and pedaling) the horn should hit just below your butt.
So now we were ready for class, well it did take me about 5 minutes to get my feet strapped into the pedals because it is hard when you have a rather large stomach to bend over and strap your feet into a moving pedal while sitting on a friggin HORN. But none the less I was strapped in and ready to go. At 6:15 with Burgan, 2 other girls, Kitty, and me the class started. There was loud music and the no lights (this is a good thing because a very dim room made me feel a lot less self conscious). I was determined to love spin class because they do it on BL so surely I can do it, too. Well by 6:19PM I wanted to die and we hadn’t even changed the resistance or started uphill yet. By 6:21 I was pretty sure that I was dead and in Hell. I have never felt such pain before, I was convinced that I was going to pass out and fall off my bike, which would be even more painful because my feet were strapped in. I tried to do the uphills but when I stood up I couldn’t pedal so I decided that I would just crank up some resistance and sit and continue to be violated by the friggin HORN. And then it happened about 15 minutes in (yes, people all that happened in the first 15 minutes) Northside Jillian said “it is your lucky day because on Wednesdays…..we do squats” My mind shouted “what the Hell” my lady parts rejoiced at getting off the horn. So I got off my bike and did squats, I don’t know how many squats because I was just focused on not dying. And then back on the bike, (which took me longer because that whole big stomach and strapping my feet in thing) and we did it all over again. I tried to keep up and Kitty was encouraging (and probably fearful that I was going to die in her class, I was pretty sure I could hear her trying to recall exactly how to perform CPR). Burgan was a rock and would encourage me as we were going. I tried to keep up but I did not try any more uphills but I DID NOT EVER STOP MOVING. After the 2nd set of squats (I do know that we added more squats each time because at the last set we did 30 friggin squats) I got back on the bike and started chanting “I will not quit”. I thought I was just saying it in my head until I realized that I was saying it out loud with ever movement of the pedals. I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit. It was literally the only reason I kept going through the 3rd and final sets of squats and spinning and then it was over. I really did not know what to do at that point because I did not know if I would be able to walk to my car. I was in so much pain my legs hurt, my hands hurt from gripping the handlebars, my crotch hurt, I wondered why anyone chooses to do this to themselves.
Kitty told me that I did a good job and I left the class room with Burgan. Burgan told me I did a good job. I told me I did a good job even though all I really did was sit and pedal and do some half-ass squats but I did not quit. I burned 700 calories in those 45 minutes. I got in my car and called my dad, he answered the phone and I responded with a sobbing “I just did a spin class”, I was bawling to the point that my dad thought I was hurt and needed to pull over. I was shocked by the crying and I felt like a BL contestant but the crying was from many things: PAIN, relief that it was over, PAIN, exhaustion, my violated hoo-ha, but most importantly it was a break thru, I did not quit, I was proud of myself. It was literally one of the hardest things I have ever done and there were parts that were embarrassing and shameful (strapping my feet in) but I did not give up or walk out, I did not stop when I was hurting or when I couldn’t keep up, I DID NOT QUIT. And I decided then and there that would not be my last spin class. My dad talked to me for a while and told me that he was proud of me. It made all the difference in the world.
When I got home I took a shower thinking that would help. WRONG, nothing could help the pain and soreness. I honestly believe that the pain is equal to child birth. Oh My Jesus, it hurt to stand, sit, pee, walk, any movement in general hurt. The running joke at work was that I was going to have a prayer vigil for my undercarriage. But you know 2 days later I went to Zumba and the movement and stretching helped. I will go back to spin class, probably not in my near future as I would like to focus on my stomach and abs before I go back. But the important thing for me is that I plan on going back, I know that the pain doesn’t last forever, I have talked to people who have assured me that I will not get callused, and one person that explained to me that it is good to be toned and fit in all areas of our bodies (that thought is still kinda weird to me). Most importantly I have worked out consistently ever since that class. There is no turning back this is how my life is now, I will be healthy, that I can control. Sometimes it might hurt (and I might feel violated by the horn) but in the end I will feel good about myself.
So who wants to go spin with me?
PS- I have been told that the first class is always the worst. My friend told me that if you make it thru the first class and go back you will start to love it. I kinda doubt that I am going to love it but who knows, anything is possible.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Happy Halloween!!
I have a spot on my bucket list devoted to Halloween. It might shock some people but I will tell you, I want to go to a costume party and I want to be dressed in some hot, slightly hooker-ish, sexy costume and I want to look hot and sexy in it. I am planning to do such a thing on Halloween next year. Now, it is quite possible that I would not leave my house in such a costume but I kinda just want to know that I could if I want to. Most Halloween's I sit and think about what I would do but this is the first time that I have ever believed that slightly hooker-ish costume will be a possibility in the future. I am excited. And I have managed to stay away from the candy..........for the most part.
Sorry it has taken a while for me to update but oddly enough I have been busy. I am attending Zumba classes at least 3 times a week and have started a couch to 5K program in the mornings that I do not go to Zumba. I rest on Sunday. I have been so tired and have been going to bed pretty early. Just in the past few days I have started feeling the energy from the workouts. Thank God, because I have been so very tired. I have also started Weight Watchers. I felt I needed just some extra food accountability and the points counting seems to work better for me than calorie counting. I promised myself that I will do 8 weeks of meetings before I stop just to get a little control on the food aspect. I finally feel like it is all truly clicking!! Plus I have started doing things that are out of my comfort zone: I did a night of NM, where I have no clue what I was doing, I have gone to 3 workout classes alone, and I sought out help when I needed it.
I am loving my life at the moment because I am learning who I am and what God has for me. I don't love the current state that my body is in but I can say that I am beginning to embrace and love the person that I am. That is the difference. I have been judging myself on the person I see in the mirror and the hate and lies that I have told myself for years and two weeks ago that changed when I realized I am a new creation. I have a new identity. I am quite enjoying it. It is because I can see past the dysfunctional thinking, the lies, and the person in the mirror that I am able to press on with the journey in front of me. My new identity is why I finally believe that I have worth and that I can do anything I put my hands to!! You might ask why, and it is because I know (and I am continually learning) who I am in Christ and how God loves and sees me! Don't get me wrong, I still have to check myself and I struggle at times but I do not let it take over. I have cheated on the diet, I was only able to go 2 days without a Latte but I didn't trash myself I learned from my mistakes, made a new plan and moved on. I just have a peace in my life and a joy that has NEVER before been there and it is AWESOME!!!
So here are some guidelines that I am currently following:
1. I do at least 3 Zumba classes.
2. I never leave the gym without burning at least 500 calories
3. I will plan meals and take snacks and lunches each day so that I am always prepared
4. I will log all foods
5. I will try something outside of my comfort zone
6. I no longer say "I can't"
7. I will meditate daily on the Word!!
Sorry it has taken a while for me to update but oddly enough I have been busy. I am attending Zumba classes at least 3 times a week and have started a couch to 5K program in the mornings that I do not go to Zumba. I rest on Sunday. I have been so tired and have been going to bed pretty early. Just in the past few days I have started feeling the energy from the workouts. Thank God, because I have been so very tired. I have also started Weight Watchers. I felt I needed just some extra food accountability and the points counting seems to work better for me than calorie counting. I promised myself that I will do 8 weeks of meetings before I stop just to get a little control on the food aspect. I finally feel like it is all truly clicking!! Plus I have started doing things that are out of my comfort zone: I did a night of NM, where I have no clue what I was doing, I have gone to 3 workout classes alone, and I sought out help when I needed it.
I am loving my life at the moment because I am learning who I am and what God has for me. I don't love the current state that my body is in but I can say that I am beginning to embrace and love the person that I am. That is the difference. I have been judging myself on the person I see in the mirror and the hate and lies that I have told myself for years and two weeks ago that changed when I realized I am a new creation. I have a new identity. I am quite enjoying it. It is because I can see past the dysfunctional thinking, the lies, and the person in the mirror that I am able to press on with the journey in front of me. My new identity is why I finally believe that I have worth and that I can do anything I put my hands to!! You might ask why, and it is because I know (and I am continually learning) who I am in Christ and how God loves and sees me! Don't get me wrong, I still have to check myself and I struggle at times but I do not let it take over. I have cheated on the diet, I was only able to go 2 days without a Latte but I didn't trash myself I learned from my mistakes, made a new plan and moved on. I just have a peace in my life and a joy that has NEVER before been there and it is AWESOME!!!
So here are some guidelines that I am currently following:
1. I do at least 3 Zumba classes.
2. I never leave the gym without burning at least 500 calories
3. I will plan meals and take snacks and lunches each day so that I am always prepared
4. I will log all foods
5. I will try something outside of my comfort zone
6. I no longer say "I can't"
7. I will meditate daily on the Word!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A BIG Change
True story, I have gone to church my entire life, every Sunday and Wednesday (minus the last 4 years). I confessed Jesus as my Savior when I was 10 at church camp and then figured out what that really meant around the age of 15. I have completed ministry trainings and served my heart out at the church that I truly considered my home since I was 16 years old and it was not until today that the words “I am a new creation in Christ” actually permeated into my heart and mind. I know the scripture (2 Cor 5:17), I’m sure that I have said it multiple times, I have prayed it over others and used it while ministering, but I never applied it to my own life…….until today. Today I am a new creation, I am a new creature, I am a new species, there is not another like me, and old things have passed away (they are dead, gone, adiosed, have left the building) and ALL things (my mind, heart, thoughts, words) have become new (different then before hopefully completely opposite than the old me).
Now don’t get me wrong, I love God and have for a very long time but somewhere along the line I just added God to the old Melissa and kept trucking along when I should have accepted the ability to be a new creation and instead of just adding God to the mix, I should have started a new life that was built with God as the foundation. However, I have never been known to do things the easy way. My thinking was probably along the lines of “I have always been a good person, have always gone to church, so what is there really to change?”. Well let’s see how about a completely irrational, degrading, and sad way of thinking about myself for starters.
So back to today, today I got up I made the decision to go to church, I got there and honestly all I really remember is Pastor Bill saying “I was a new creation, new species, there was not another like me” and it hit me, I mean like ton of bricks and turn all the lights in the house on hit me. This is why I have struggled for years because I could never let go of the old person and I always tried to just fit God into my life when I should have been building my life around him. I finally saw it as clear as day. So as I was driving home from church I pulled the car into the Takee-outee parking lot and prayed and I really prayed. It wasn’t one of those in passing prayers that is said because I told someone I would pray for them but it was core shaking, life changing, and completely honest communication with God. It was life renewing. I didn’t cry or fall apart but I felt this sense of peace that I haven’t ever felt before and then it hit, hope and love, I felt loved, truly loved which is something I haven’t felt in years and had the feeling, no I had the knowing of hope. Don’t ask me what hope feels like but I got it, lots of it!!! And no this just isn’t a weight loss thing, this is a Melissa’s life was pointless, sad, void of hope and then she heard a good word, had a revelation, and then reconciled with God and I know, that I know, that I know that God truly does have a plan and purpose for my life and it starts with me being a new creation!!
I just wanted to share this, there will be another blog post about me, church and the bitterness and shame that led to my 4 year “vacation” from God and everything social because I think it is important to share, but tonight I am just going to bask in the Amazingness of Jesus in the new me and the love that my Father has for me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love God and have for a very long time but somewhere along the line I just added God to the old Melissa and kept trucking along when I should have accepted the ability to be a new creation and instead of just adding God to the mix, I should have started a new life that was built with God as the foundation. However, I have never been known to do things the easy way. My thinking was probably along the lines of “I have always been a good person, have always gone to church, so what is there really to change?”. Well let’s see how about a completely irrational, degrading, and sad way of thinking about myself for starters.
So back to today, today I got up I made the decision to go to church, I got there and honestly all I really remember is Pastor Bill saying “I was a new creation, new species, there was not another like me” and it hit me, I mean like ton of bricks and turn all the lights in the house on hit me. This is why I have struggled for years because I could never let go of the old person and I always tried to just fit God into my life when I should have been building my life around him. I finally saw it as clear as day. So as I was driving home from church I pulled the car into the Takee-outee parking lot and prayed and I really prayed. It wasn’t one of those in passing prayers that is said because I told someone I would pray for them but it was core shaking, life changing, and completely honest communication with God. It was life renewing. I didn’t cry or fall apart but I felt this sense of peace that I haven’t ever felt before and then it hit, hope and love, I felt loved, truly loved which is something I haven’t felt in years and had the feeling, no I had the knowing of hope. Don’t ask me what hope feels like but I got it, lots of it!!! And no this just isn’t a weight loss thing, this is a Melissa’s life was pointless, sad, void of hope and then she heard a good word, had a revelation, and then reconciled with God and I know, that I know, that I know that God truly does have a plan and purpose for my life and it starts with me being a new creation!!
I just wanted to share this, there will be another blog post about me, church and the bitterness and shame that led to my 4 year “vacation” from God and everything social because I think it is important to share, but tonight I am just going to bask in the Amazingness of Jesus in the new me and the love that my Father has for me.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Send me your photo, I wanna set you up......
Week of 10/4:
This is the text I received from my sister. It sent me into panic mode, full on panic mode. This is a rather funny response for someone who wants nothing more than to find someone to love and be loved in return, but alas it was my response. So I started making all kinds of accusations of the guy from the info that my sister sent me. I was mean and rude to my sister, especially when she asked me to send her a better picture. It was not one of my best moments. I finally came clean and told my sister, through email of course.
The following is said email: Hey, I did not mean to shut you completely down last night this is just a very touchy subject with me, especially now as I am trying to lose weight. Here is the deal, that is probably one of the best pics of me that I think I have. The truth is that I am fat and not really pretty, I get that. Do you know how many pictures I have sent to people over the years, a lot. Do you know how many men have ever responded after seeing my picture none, well I take that back, there was one but he wanted to meet up at some hotel.....not happening. I started looking for things wrong with this guy the second I got your email because it was easier than thinking that he was a possibility and then sending a picture only to never get a response and once again being judged and rejected on my looks rather than the person that I am. Of course if he did respond I would wonder what was wrong with him because, I really wouldn't want to date me. These are my issues and I am working on them, but I know that I was not nice or fair last night. If you want to continue with this setup I am okay with it, you can look thru my pics on the computer and find one you like, however right now what you see is what you get and if someone can't hang with that and like me fat they are going to have to wait a while because it is going to take a while to get the weight off. It does mean a lot that you were trying to set me up. I would have told you all this last night but it would have taken a while because I would have cried the entire time. I don't do well talking to others about my thoughts or feelings, which is funny considering my line of work. I am sure that he is a great guy and who knows what could happen but just know that this whole thing is a huge issue for me so when I freak out there is a reason behind it and I am not trying to be mean and I am not unappreciative especially since you are one of two people that have ever tried to set me up.
That was probably the first time I was ever able to be honest with my sister about how I feel about myself. She was amazingly supportive and she went ahead and sent a picture and my info to the guy. But there has been no response, not shocking and I am okay with it because I know that God has someone for me and honestly right now is probably not the best time for me to start a relationship, I kinda need to learn to love myself before I can expect someone else to love me.
But I would like to report that this did not send me spiraling into the depths of despair. I stayed on course and ate well and Zumbad 3 times this week as well at lost 1 pound that puts me at 275. Oh and read the next blog about my jaunt to spin class this week.
This is the text I received from my sister. It sent me into panic mode, full on panic mode. This is a rather funny response for someone who wants nothing more than to find someone to love and be loved in return, but alas it was my response. So I started making all kinds of accusations of the guy from the info that my sister sent me. I was mean and rude to my sister, especially when she asked me to send her a better picture. It was not one of my best moments. I finally came clean and told my sister, through email of course.
The following is said email: Hey, I did not mean to shut you completely down last night this is just a very touchy subject with me, especially now as I am trying to lose weight. Here is the deal, that is probably one of the best pics of me that I think I have. The truth is that I am fat and not really pretty, I get that. Do you know how many pictures I have sent to people over the years, a lot. Do you know how many men have ever responded after seeing my picture none, well I take that back, there was one but he wanted to meet up at some hotel.....not happening. I started looking for things wrong with this guy the second I got your email because it was easier than thinking that he was a possibility and then sending a picture only to never get a response and once again being judged and rejected on my looks rather than the person that I am. Of course if he did respond I would wonder what was wrong with him because, I really wouldn't want to date me. These are my issues and I am working on them, but I know that I was not nice or fair last night. If you want to continue with this setup I am okay with it, you can look thru my pics on the computer and find one you like, however right now what you see is what you get and if someone can't hang with that and like me fat they are going to have to wait a while because it is going to take a while to get the weight off. It does mean a lot that you were trying to set me up. I would have told you all this last night but it would have taken a while because I would have cried the entire time. I don't do well talking to others about my thoughts or feelings, which is funny considering my line of work. I am sure that he is a great guy and who knows what could happen but just know that this whole thing is a huge issue for me so when I freak out there is a reason behind it and I am not trying to be mean and I am not unappreciative especially since you are one of two people that have ever tried to set me up.
That was probably the first time I was ever able to be honest with my sister about how I feel about myself. She was amazingly supportive and she went ahead and sent a picture and my info to the guy. But there has been no response, not shocking and I am okay with it because I know that God has someone for me and honestly right now is probably not the best time for me to start a relationship, I kinda need to learn to love myself before I can expect someone else to love me.
But I would like to report that this did not send me spiraling into the depths of despair. I stayed on course and ate well and Zumbad 3 times this week as well at lost 1 pound that puts me at 275. Oh and read the next blog about my jaunt to spin class this week.
On to the week of September 27th
Well I made a promise to myself that I will be proactive so today I weighed 276. My weekend of binging added 2 pounds. (I was surprised it was only 2) Then I packed my gym bag and left for work. I convinced a couple friends from work to join me for Zumba at the community center. We Zumbad and then I came home and ate a healthy dinner. Then I went to sleep, woke up the next day and packed a good breakfast and lunch went to work and printed out all the class schedules for each Y in Tulsa and proceeded to make a weekly calendar of classes that I wanted to attend and started recruiting my friends from work to join in. I have to thank Mandy, Amanda, and Kirby for being extremely supportive and Amanda has been a consistent encourager (and she comes to classes). So this week we went to Zumba on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday Morning (I know it is kinda unbelievable) and I LOVE ZUMBA. I kept my food in check but was not strict. I finally felt good. So this week I continued to be proactive and I sought change and chased down hope! I also hung out with some great people because I am not hiding anymore.
Let's go back in time to September 25, 2010
Sorry for the absence, it has been for both good and bad reasons. I am going to start with the bad reasons first. On this Saturday night I found my self sitting in my room surrounded by 3 sacks of fast food, a very large soda, and a large sonic blast. Yep you read correctly. As I was eating my KFC, SONIC, and Mickey Ds, I was crying, not just a few tears I was sobbing. I had left my house to find something to eat and I kept driving places and buying things. This was an all new low for me, I had hit rock bottom. I finally leveled with myself and it is time that I level with you.
At that point I did not believe that there was any hope for me, my thoughts were: I will never lose weight, I will never be happy, I will never be loved, I am HOPELESS. I think the loss of hope is the scariest feeling of all, because if you do not have hope, what is the point of living? But then I realized I haven't been living I have been sitting and hiding. I have known that this is how I have been feeling for a while I just did not want to admit it. But I said it all out loud over and over again as I was engorging myself with an insane amount of food and crying. The next night I found myself sitting on my friend's couch (thanks Dawn) and ended up blurting out all of those feelings over again. This time I didn't feel ashamed, I felt sad, a little embarrassed but affirmed at the same time. As I was driving home from Dawn's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a very long time.................I felt hope. I think the fact that I was willing to honestly voice my feelings, not candy coat them or skirt around them, allowed me to put myself in a place to start looking for hope. And at that point something in me clicked. I was done feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was done hiding myself away. I was done doubting that I could ever have a happy future. I was done believing that I cannot change. I CAN CHANGE, I DO HAVE HOPE, and I AM LOVED (even though the elusive "in love" is still questionable to me, which comes up in next weeks post). I CAN HAVE THE FUTURE I WANT TO HAVE, IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THE WORK AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I CHOOSE TO LIVE!
At that point I did not believe that there was any hope for me, my thoughts were: I will never lose weight, I will never be happy, I will never be loved, I am HOPELESS. I think the loss of hope is the scariest feeling of all, because if you do not have hope, what is the point of living? But then I realized I haven't been living I have been sitting and hiding. I have known that this is how I have been feeling for a while I just did not want to admit it. But I said it all out loud over and over again as I was engorging myself with an insane amount of food and crying. The next night I found myself sitting on my friend's couch (thanks Dawn) and ended up blurting out all of those feelings over again. This time I didn't feel ashamed, I felt sad, a little embarrassed but affirmed at the same time. As I was driving home from Dawn's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a very long time.................I felt hope. I think the fact that I was willing to honestly voice my feelings, not candy coat them or skirt around them, allowed me to put myself in a place to start looking for hope. And at that point something in me clicked. I was done feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was done hiding myself away. I was done doubting that I could ever have a happy future. I was done believing that I cannot change. I CAN CHANGE, I DO HAVE HOPE, and I AM LOVED (even though the elusive "in love" is still questionable to me, which comes up in next weeks post). I CAN HAVE THE FUTURE I WANT TO HAVE, IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THE WORK AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I CHOOSE TO LIVE!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Drumroll, please!
So in the past week I have gone from 279 to 274!!! That is 5 POUNDS!!! I LOST 5 POUNDS THIS WEEK!! It has been a good week. And this week has been even better. I am watching my food and I am recruiting people to workout out with me!!
**I'm not focusing on going to the gym but on going to classes and back to the original plan of going to ZUMBA at least twice a week. I will post my Zumba schedule when I get it finalized and anyone is welcome to join in.
**I am sticking to a 4 meals at 400 calories a day and kinda following the Flat Belly Diet but mostly using it for new and quick meal ideas.
Here is a new big goal. I am going to San Francisco in November. I am (not I would like to, or want to, or think I can ) going to lose 30 more pounds before the 22nd of November when I get on that plane.
** I am also going to be able to walk at least 5 miles a day (my dad is currently walking 7.5 a day) so I can at least kind of keep up with him. Therefore I am looking for walking buddies. If anyone has a free evening I will meet you where ever. I am going to try to walk for 1 hour every morning before work (which means I need to be up and on the road by 5:45AM) so far this week I have gotten up at 6:50AM (and that is good for me) so if anyone is up at 5:45AM feel free to call me and tell me to get my butt out of bed and walk! (YES I AM BEING VERY SERIOUS)
** I have a new rule it is that if I am watching TV I have to be active for at least 20 mins of each show. So my bosu and STEP are getting some use as well as my little weights and my balance balls.
**My other new rule is that for every pound I lose each week I double the amount and put that amount of money into my new bank (see above image of Gertie) to be used for a Melissa Makeover when I get under 200! I will also put all extra dollar bills inside of Gertie!!
So there you have it. I LOST 5 LBS last week and I am looking to lose at least 3 this week. It is BL season which means I am even more motivated. I hope you all have a great week!!
Lots of Love!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A little late but still an update!
So sorry, this week has been kinda busy. It was my nephew Max's birthday and my dad has been in town and I have been working later at night, all that being said, I put off blogging. But here is the weigh in that I should have reported on Monday.
CURRENT WEIGHT 279.2!!! (It's a loss....and that even includes the birthday cake and cupcakes that I ate over the weekend) I am down a pound from last week, I will celebrate all weight losses.
Other dets of the week, not so great. I didn't work out and my food choices were just okay. So on to this week, even if it is almost over. I have been doing the 4 day detox from the Flat Belly Diet. It really is only detoxing of sugar, fast foods, and all the bad stuff. I have had to drink 2 liters of "sassy water" each day but I actually like it (sassy water = water, lemon, cucumbers, ginger, and mint) I think it is refreshing. The rest of the detox has just been basic nothing drastic. It is four 300 calorie meals a day. If I chose to do the diet for the next 28 days (the bonus is prepared menus, shopping lists, and not very expensive) the meals go up to 400 calories per meal. It is very practical and doable which is the only reason that I chose to follow another "diet" plan, I think it is a very healthy balance that I could stick to daily for a while.
On to other things going on this week. Don't go into shock or anything but I have actually been physically active 2 days in a row! I have this gym block going on in my life so I decided to quit making it a dreaded deal so my Reebok step, 5lb weights and I spent time together last night while watching the Ghost Whisperer (It was actually a pretty good work out, it wasn't Zumba but it did get my heart rate up). Oh and I walked for 45 mins on Monday with a client around her apartment complex, work and exercise, such a multitask-er I am!
I know that the week is almost over so I will only give myself 2 goals.
Okay so that was the update. Get ready for some juicy posts over the weekend. I do not have enough brain power or the appropriate emotions to write them tonight.
In honor of Max's birthday, I well tell you good bye like I tell him with a HI 5, Fist bump, and a "Peace Out"!!
CURRENT WEIGHT 279.2!!! (It's a loss....and that even includes the birthday cake and cupcakes that I ate over the weekend) I am down a pound from last week, I will celebrate all weight losses.
Other dets of the week, not so great. I didn't work out and my food choices were just okay. So on to this week, even if it is almost over. I have been doing the 4 day detox from the Flat Belly Diet. It really is only detoxing of sugar, fast foods, and all the bad stuff. I have had to drink 2 liters of "sassy water" each day but I actually like it (sassy water = water, lemon, cucumbers, ginger, and mint) I think it is refreshing. The rest of the detox has just been basic nothing drastic. It is four 300 calorie meals a day. If I chose to do the diet for the next 28 days (the bonus is prepared menus, shopping lists, and not very expensive) the meals go up to 400 calories per meal. It is very practical and doable which is the only reason that I chose to follow another "diet" plan, I think it is a very healthy balance that I could stick to daily for a while.
On to other things going on this week. Don't go into shock or anything but I have actually been physically active 2 days in a row! I have this gym block going on in my life so I decided to quit making it a dreaded deal so my Reebok step, 5lb weights and I spent time together last night while watching the Ghost Whisperer (It was actually a pretty good work out, it wasn't Zumba but it did get my heart rate up). Oh and I walked for 45 mins on Monday with a client around her apartment complex, work and exercise, such a multitask-er I am!
I know that the week is almost over so I will only give myself 2 goals.
1. Have three more days of physical activity.
2. Finish the 4 day detox strong and not sabotage myself on Friday before I start the next 28 days of the plan on Saturday!!Okay so that was the update. Get ready for some juicy posts over the weekend. I do not have enough brain power or the appropriate emotions to write them tonight.
In honor of Max's birthday, I well tell you good bye like I tell him with a HI 5, Fist bump, and a "Peace Out"!!
Monday, September 6, 2010
A Change, Goals, Weigh-in, and a Recommendation
I have decided the Monday's are going to be weigh-in days from now on. Just because my weekends usually lack any form of structure and I end of forgetting to weigh in before I eat. So Mondays it is.
Current Weight: 280.6
Goals:
1. I am going to log all foods eaten every day.
2. I am going to make a vow of fast food celibacy. Good bye drive thrus......however there are some concessions - Taco Bell Cantina Tacos are okay once a week and I am allowed 2 sugar free vanilla iced coffees each week from McDonalds.
3. Work outs- I am going to attend 1 group class, do 1 workout video, and take 3 morning walks this week (anyone want to join in is more than welcome).
4. I am going to ask for help when I need it.
Recommendation:
Missy sent me the link to another blog and I thought I would pass it along. It is written by a woman who lost 100 lbs, and it isn't a diet plan but insight. I am really enjoying reading it and it is helping me along this journey.
Here is the link http://dancepartyforone.blogspot.com
Thanks for reading and for the support!!
Melissa
Current Weight: 280.6
Goals:
1. I am going to log all foods eaten every day.
2. I am going to make a vow of fast food celibacy. Good bye drive thrus......however there are some concessions - Taco Bell Cantina Tacos are okay once a week and I am allowed 2 sugar free vanilla iced coffees each week from McDonalds.
3. Work outs- I am going to attend 1 group class, do 1 workout video, and take 3 morning walks this week (anyone want to join in is more than welcome).
4. I am going to ask for help when I need it.
Recommendation:
Missy sent me the link to another blog and I thought I would pass it along. It is written by a woman who lost 100 lbs, and it isn't a diet plan but insight. I am really enjoying reading it and it is helping me along this journey.
Here is the link http://dancepartyforone.blogspot.com
Thanks for reading and for the support!!
Melissa
Saturday, September 4, 2010
6 pounds and a vampire
Catchy title isn't it, but it really sums up my last 3 days! I have been reading this book series about vampires, I am on the 6th book (actually I just finished the 6th book). As I was reading this last book I became acutely aware of how much I saw of myself in the main character his name is Phury and he is an amazingly attractive Vampire Warrior, so of course why wouldn't I see myself in him (I know that is the question you are currently asking yourself)? The thing is that Phury is all calm and well mannered and takes care of everyone in his life and does not really care for himself, he is an addict, he listens to the voice of the "wizard" in his head that constantly rips him apart and lists his failures, he does not let anyone get close to him so his is the one in the group that is trusted but no one really knows, he secludes himself and pushes the ones that he loves away...........now do you see where I am going with this. All those things I described about him are things that I know to be true about myself and they are the things that are keeping me from moving forward.
Out of all those things there are a few that I really want to elaborate on.
FIRST -I am an addict, I think about food 24/7, I think about what I am going to eat while I am eating. I realized the other day that I don't enjoy food, I just scarf it down. I don't enjoy flavors and how good it is I just want something to fill me, but I am never satisfied because I am looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. This is a huge problem. There is a quote from the book that hit me hard (and yes, I am now going to give you a quote from a book that I refer to as vampire porn, don't worry) "life, you can't take advantage of it if you are sitting on your ass in the shadows....whether it's in actuality or metaphorically because you are trapped in an addict's darkness." I feel trapped and I feel, make that I know that I have wasted years of my life doing nothing because of this addiction and the ramifications that it has had on me both physically and mentally.
SECOND- For the last 3 years I have separated myself from most everybody in my life. I don't think I knew what I was doing at the time but I just became so ashamed of the person that I had become that I started pushing people away (of course I became bitter and upset that there was not a lot of effort to keep me from retreating). I left the one place that I loved and the only place I felt at home because I no longer felt good enough to be there and because walking through the doors became mentally toxic to me. I began believing again that I was only a good friend because of what I could do or give, not because of who I am. I began believing that being friends with me was some sort of punishment for those around me, I mean really who wanted to be seen in public with me. I think at times that I have retreated so much that I don't even know how to be social anymore. It is awkward for me to just hang out with people. I have always felt that I am just the platonic version of the booty call, you know I am not the person that you call to hang out because you want to have a good time, I am the one people call when no one else is available. I am that friend that is forgettable, we might hang for a while but I am easy to walk away from and not give another thought about, I am the one that if there is a group thing and a lot of people are coming I end up at a table with people I don't know because no one remembers to save me a seat. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to be important, unforgettable, and a part of something better than being a fan of Glee and Biggest Loser. (these are my feelings and beliefs that I hold, I am not looking for pity or a bunch of perk up comments, it is just if I don't put there comments somewhere they continually roll through my head, in the darkness, and they really need to be exposed to the light).
THIRD- I have my own "wizard". I think that this is the biggest thing I have in common with my vampire friend. I have this voice that I have listened to for years (it isn't as fancy as the one in the book, the one in the book has a British accent). The voice is only getting worse (see "Second" topic above for examples of irrational thoughts). I know to some extent everyone has a small voice inside that we deal with, but if you are like me and have given into that voice it grows each time you accept the thoughts it give you. This voice defeats everything I try to do and reminds me of every failure (real or perceived) in my life on a daily (multiple times a day) basis. (For all you mental health people reading this I am not hearing actual voices, I promise) I refuse to give into this line of thinking any longer, I know I have had failures in my life and I will have failures in the future, I am human, it is a given. But just because I have made mistakes and failed it does not mean that I should not try. One of my biggest thought battles right now is What if I actually do this, lose the weight, and nothing changes. I mean what if it doesn't work and then where will I be, all the excuses I have made for years about my weight holding me back wont be true, it will just boil down to there actually being something wrong with me, because without this extra 140 lbs, what will I have to blame. But there is now this very small (but feisty and kinda sounds like Lisa) voice that says But what if it works, what if you lose the weight and find love, peace, and joy that you have waited your entire life for. I chose to now listen to the small feisty Lisa voice because on the off chance that weight loss does not improve my life, I am more than certain the the world will still have ice cream, french fries, Rex's chicken, marshmallows, and my dad's brownies and I am very well acquainted with how to gain weight.
And finally to address the 6 pounds, well that is what I have gained. I am not going to make excuses. I fell off the wagon big time and struggled for the last two weeks and the scale reflects that so the new weight is 281 but next week it will not be 281. I will post again tomorrow to identify this weeks goals and do an actual weigh in. BTW, if I am not posting I am probably not doing well so feel free to check in on me either here, FB, or call. I tend to not want to put my struggles on here until I am through them but I am going to try to get better at the asking for help thing. Thanks for reading.
PS~ for those of you wondering, yes my lip/chin is still numb and I am still having a good amount of pain in my front teeth from the nerve damage.
Out of all those things there are a few that I really want to elaborate on.
FIRST -I am an addict, I think about food 24/7, I think about what I am going to eat while I am eating. I realized the other day that I don't enjoy food, I just scarf it down. I don't enjoy flavors and how good it is I just want something to fill me, but I am never satisfied because I am looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. This is a huge problem. There is a quote from the book that hit me hard (and yes, I am now going to give you a quote from a book that I refer to as vampire porn, don't worry) "life, you can't take advantage of it if you are sitting on your ass in the shadows....whether it's in actuality or metaphorically because you are trapped in an addict's darkness." I feel trapped and I feel, make that I know that I have wasted years of my life doing nothing because of this addiction and the ramifications that it has had on me both physically and mentally.
SECOND- For the last 3 years I have separated myself from most everybody in my life. I don't think I knew what I was doing at the time but I just became so ashamed of the person that I had become that I started pushing people away (of course I became bitter and upset that there was not a lot of effort to keep me from retreating). I left the one place that I loved and the only place I felt at home because I no longer felt good enough to be there and because walking through the doors became mentally toxic to me. I began believing again that I was only a good friend because of what I could do or give, not because of who I am. I began believing that being friends with me was some sort of punishment for those around me, I mean really who wanted to be seen in public with me. I think at times that I have retreated so much that I don't even know how to be social anymore. It is awkward for me to just hang out with people. I have always felt that I am just the platonic version of the booty call, you know I am not the person that you call to hang out because you want to have a good time, I am the one people call when no one else is available. I am that friend that is forgettable, we might hang for a while but I am easy to walk away from and not give another thought about, I am the one that if there is a group thing and a lot of people are coming I end up at a table with people I don't know because no one remembers to save me a seat. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to be important, unforgettable, and a part of something better than being a fan of Glee and Biggest Loser. (these are my feelings and beliefs that I hold, I am not looking for pity or a bunch of perk up comments, it is just if I don't put there comments somewhere they continually roll through my head, in the darkness, and they really need to be exposed to the light).
THIRD- I have my own "wizard". I think that this is the biggest thing I have in common with my vampire friend. I have this voice that I have listened to for years (it isn't as fancy as the one in the book, the one in the book has a British accent). The voice is only getting worse (see "Second" topic above for examples of irrational thoughts). I know to some extent everyone has a small voice inside that we deal with, but if you are like me and have given into that voice it grows each time you accept the thoughts it give you. This voice defeats everything I try to do and reminds me of every failure (real or perceived) in my life on a daily (multiple times a day) basis. (For all you mental health people reading this I am not hearing actual voices, I promise) I refuse to give into this line of thinking any longer, I know I have had failures in my life and I will have failures in the future, I am human, it is a given. But just because I have made mistakes and failed it does not mean that I should not try. One of my biggest thought battles right now is What if I actually do this, lose the weight, and nothing changes. I mean what if it doesn't work and then where will I be, all the excuses I have made for years about my weight holding me back wont be true, it will just boil down to there actually being something wrong with me, because without this extra 140 lbs, what will I have to blame. But there is now this very small (but feisty and kinda sounds like Lisa) voice that says But what if it works, what if you lose the weight and find love, peace, and joy that you have waited your entire life for. I chose to now listen to the small feisty Lisa voice because on the off chance that weight loss does not improve my life, I am more than certain the the world will still have ice cream, french fries, Rex's chicken, marshmallows, and my dad's brownies and I am very well acquainted with how to gain weight.
And finally to address the 6 pounds, well that is what I have gained. I am not going to make excuses. I fell off the wagon big time and struggled for the last two weeks and the scale reflects that so the new weight is 281 but next week it will not be 281. I will post again tomorrow to identify this weeks goals and do an actual weigh in. BTW, if I am not posting I am probably not doing well so feel free to check in on me either here, FB, or call. I tend to not want to put my struggles on here until I am through them but I am going to try to get better at the asking for help thing. Thanks for reading.
PS~ for those of you wondering, yes my lip/chin is still numb and I am still having a good amount of pain in my front teeth from the nerve damage.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sorry I went away.....and week 3 stats 5 days lates
So I did weigh in on Sunday my weight had not changed well really I am still at 275. I didn't post because I was staying at my mom's in preparation for my wisdom tooth removal. So here it is 5 days later and I am in a ridiculous amount of pain both mentally and physically. I have been living off of ice cream and rice and beans from Taco Bueno. So I do not have high hope for week 4 weigh in which is the mental part. It has be so hard to eat healthy when I know that ice cream, smoothies, pudding, black beans, and cilantro lime rice taste so good when I can barely open my mouth. I have stuck with the lower end of the calorie spectrum part and sugar free pudding but lets be honest, I have loved every ice cream minute and that makes me sad. I am sad that I love the food that much and have turned to the Dulce de Leche for comfort. As for the physical pain......well the removal of my wisdom tooth did not go smoothly and my front teeth went through a lot of trauma so they hurt worse then the extraction site. not only that but I have some nerve damage and it is unknown how long it will last. I am numb from the middle of my bottom lip to the right corner of my mouth and down my chin. You know when you leave the dentist after having work done and your lip and tongue feel thick, fat, tingly and hot....well welcome to my mouth and it could last forever or 6 to 8 weeks. AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGG!
I would like to take a minute and thank one Dawn Luker for being my driver and keeping me calm with my non-feeling lip/chin issues. All I could focus on was the fact that I might not feel my lip, I mean part of the reason I am losing weight is to that I will be in a place where I can be in a relationship and part of that relationship I would like to involve kissing and well I would like to be able to feel said kissing.......is that sad that is what my focus is on this issue? Well that and not wanting to dribble in public!
All that being said, I would like to say that I am planning on being back on track on Monday starting the week with appropriate foods and ending with ZUMBA (well as long as the pain is gone in my neck, jaw, and head). As always I will keep you posted and thanks for being TEAM MELISSA (or TEAM MOISHA for some)!
I would like to take a minute and thank one Dawn Luker for being my driver and keeping me calm with my non-feeling lip/chin issues. All I could focus on was the fact that I might not feel my lip, I mean part of the reason I am losing weight is to that I will be in a place where I can be in a relationship and part of that relationship I would like to involve kissing and well I would like to be able to feel said kissing.......is that sad that is what my focus is on this issue? Well that and not wanting to dribble in public!
All that being said, I would like to say that I am planning on being back on track on Monday starting the week with appropriate foods and ending with ZUMBA (well as long as the pain is gone in my neck, jaw, and head). As always I will keep you posted and thanks for being TEAM MELISSA (or TEAM MOISHA for some)!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Zumba
This blog is all about honesty and hopefully to put out in the open all the crazy and inappropriate thoughts that dominate my thinking so that hopefully I can make room for healthy and positive thoughts. So here is probably my first truly put it all out there blog!
There is a reason that you do not see fat girls in exercise classes and I will share with you the reasons why (or at least my reasons). 1. No one wants to be the biggest in the class. 2. Do you really think I want to jiggle and bounce in front of you (watching me jog in place is nothing like the girls on Baywatch). 3. I don't ....I repeat I DO NOT want to see myself in a floor to ceiling mirror while I am jiggling and bouncing. 4. When I do a class I feel like a big sweaty pig and I am afraid that I smell. 5. The guys that are staring in the window (at least in my head they are watching and laughing) when they are supposed to working out on the equipment just outside of the class room. 6. How am I really supposed to pull off some sexy move, have you seen me? 7. At least I am motivation for the other girls in the class to never gain weight. 8. Who am I kidding, like this will work? 9. I am so freaking big I am going to cause permanent damage to my knee, ankle, feet just by moving around, stress fractures here I come. 10. Did I mention the mirrors, I HATE the mirrors. 11. What if they ask me to do some crazy move that I absolutely cannot do (like getting on my back and pulling my knee to my chest.....dude I am fat do you really think I can do that?)
Okay so you get the picture, there are a lot of thoughts that go through my mind and these were just a few that I had today, but you know what I somehow found the courage to face those thoughts and walk into a gym and attempt Zumba tonight. Now I did have a friend in the class (like I would go by myself) and I had made a promise so I walked through the door and did one of the craziest work outs ever. I am glad I did it and I will do it again. I was the biggest girl in the class, I did get hot and sweaty, I bounced and jiggles, I probably did not smell very nice by the end (but I was probably not the only one) and yes the guys did look in and were probably appalled by my crazy moves that I had to adjust to fit what I could actually do so that I did not die in the class but I burned 701 calories in 55 minutes.
Here is what I know about myself. I do great in classes (if I can just get over the mental crap in my head) because I will not let the class beat me and I am motivated to keep up with the skinny people so that I do not look like the failure that I am sure that they believe that I am (my thinking again). I will work my ass off in a class and not think twice about it but put in a video at home or even going to the gym I only work half as hard so I know that if I go to a class I will get a much better workout. And lets face it at this point if I just keep my heart rate up and burn off calories it will help me lose. So I will continue to go to Zumba (I am looking for Zumba classes on other nights in Tulsa if anyone knows of any and if All American Owasso will let me in because I only have a Tulsa membership). I will work on my stupid thinking and I will overcome the thoughts and I will have fun in the class. And honestly I did not see one person stop, point, and laugh........it is time to get over myself and enjoy life, especially when life includes Zumba that allows me to burn 700 calories in an hour and spend time with Brigitte! (However I will probably always HATE the mirrors, I refuse to look in a mirror while working out, just and FYI)
PS~ I did great on food today!! As Jo would say GO MELISSA GO!!
There is a reason that you do not see fat girls in exercise classes and I will share with you the reasons why (or at least my reasons). 1. No one wants to be the biggest in the class. 2. Do you really think I want to jiggle and bounce in front of you (watching me jog in place is nothing like the girls on Baywatch). 3. I don't ....I repeat I DO NOT want to see myself in a floor to ceiling mirror while I am jiggling and bouncing. 4. When I do a class I feel like a big sweaty pig and I am afraid that I smell. 5. The guys that are staring in the window (at least in my head they are watching and laughing) when they are supposed to working out on the equipment just outside of the class room. 6. How am I really supposed to pull off some sexy move, have you seen me? 7. At least I am motivation for the other girls in the class to never gain weight. 8. Who am I kidding, like this will work? 9. I am so freaking big I am going to cause permanent damage to my knee, ankle, feet just by moving around, stress fractures here I come. 10. Did I mention the mirrors, I HATE the mirrors. 11. What if they ask me to do some crazy move that I absolutely cannot do (like getting on my back and pulling my knee to my chest.....dude I am fat do you really think I can do that?)
Okay so you get the picture, there are a lot of thoughts that go through my mind and these were just a few that I had today, but you know what I somehow found the courage to face those thoughts and walk into a gym and attempt Zumba tonight. Now I did have a friend in the class (like I would go by myself) and I had made a promise so I walked through the door and did one of the craziest work outs ever. I am glad I did it and I will do it again. I was the biggest girl in the class, I did get hot and sweaty, I bounced and jiggles, I probably did not smell very nice by the end (but I was probably not the only one) and yes the guys did look in and were probably appalled by my crazy moves that I had to adjust to fit what I could actually do so that I did not die in the class but I burned 701 calories in 55 minutes.
Here is what I know about myself. I do great in classes (if I can just get over the mental crap in my head) because I will not let the class beat me and I am motivated to keep up with the skinny people so that I do not look like the failure that I am sure that they believe that I am (my thinking again). I will work my ass off in a class and not think twice about it but put in a video at home or even going to the gym I only work half as hard so I know that if I go to a class I will get a much better workout. And lets face it at this point if I just keep my heart rate up and burn off calories it will help me lose. So I will continue to go to Zumba (I am looking for Zumba classes on other nights in Tulsa if anyone knows of any and if All American Owasso will let me in because I only have a Tulsa membership). I will work on my stupid thinking and I will overcome the thoughts and I will have fun in the class. And honestly I did not see one person stop, point, and laugh........it is time to get over myself and enjoy life, especially when life includes Zumba that allows me to burn 700 calories in an hour and spend time with Brigitte! (However I will probably always HATE the mirrors, I refuse to look in a mirror while working out, just and FYI)
PS~ I did great on food today!! As Jo would say GO MELISSA GO!!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Week 2 Weigh In & Goals
And the lucky numbers are:
Start Weight: 277.6
Current Weight: 275.4
WEIGHT LOST: 2 pounds!! (this is good by BL standards for week 2, just sayin)
Percentage of Weight Loss: .7%
Current BMI: 48.0
Current % of body fat: 47.5
*I know I said measurements this week but I just cannot do it yet, sorry.*
Goals for this week:
1. Continue to log all food and stay below 1600 calories.
2. Do at least one social thing this week!
3. Go to Zumba Monday night and do 3 more work outs during the week.
4. No fast food. (This does not include the new Cantina Tacos at Taco Bell that are amazing and shockingly kinda healthy and work when I am in my car all day.
5.Increase water intake.
6. Blog mid week. (I have a topic that I really just need to write out but I cant find the right words so I am working on it and will post later in the week.......I know you all are on the edge of your seats.)
Start Weight: 277.6
Current Weight: 275.4
WEIGHT LOST: 2 pounds!! (this is good by BL standards for week 2, just sayin)
Percentage of Weight Loss: .7%
Current BMI: 48.0
Current % of body fat: 47.5
*I know I said measurements this week but I just cannot do it yet, sorry.*
Goals for this week:
1. Continue to log all food and stay below 1600 calories.
2. Do at least one social thing this week!
3. Go to Zumba Monday night and do 3 more work outs during the week.
4. No fast food. (This does not include the new Cantina Tacos at Taco Bell that are amazing and shockingly kinda healthy and work when I am in my car all day.
5.Increase water intake.
6. Blog mid week. (I have a topic that I really just need to write out but I cant find the right words so I am working on it and will post later in the week.......I know you all are on the edge of your seats.)
Confessions
I am sure that this will be a frequent title. I have some confessions to make. #1 I had at least 3 sodas this week but they were all diet and I don't think I finished a single one of them. #2 I did not keep my food log up to date, I actually only logged 3 days in the past week, however I did stick with mostly healthy foods. #3 I ate a Grandys in OKC, it was HOR-RE-BLAY (Melissa speak for horrible) but funny enough I ate it all and regretted it later. #4 I have had 1 1/2 cupcakes today along with chips and salsa. I would blame my sister for this seeing that they are the left overs from her party but I am a big girl (that is kinda funny) and I need to take responsibility for my own actions. #5 I only did one work out this week. I did have a long week but there really isn't a good excuse here, I just am not feeling working out at this moment in time.
So those are my bad confessions and here are my good ones. #1 I lost 2 pounds this week. #2 I hung out with a good friend (thanks Dawn). #3 I made plans to go to Zumba with Brigitte tomorrow night and I am not going to back out!! #4 I also made plans to meet another friend for coffee on Tuesday night. #5 I made some mistakes this week but I did not just throw my hands in the air and eat everything in sight, I accepted it and got back on track.
So those are my confessions, for every bad one I came up with a good one. I thought it was only fair. That being said, please continue to keep my accountable and follow up with me. Feel free to text or message me on FB or even email melissahueste@yahoo.com I love hearing from everyone and it has really helped me to know that I have people in my corner. Thanks!!
So those are my bad confessions and here are my good ones. #1 I lost 2 pounds this week. #2 I hung out with a good friend (thanks Dawn). #3 I made plans to go to Zumba with Brigitte tomorrow night and I am not going to back out!! #4 I also made plans to meet another friend for coffee on Tuesday night. #5 I made some mistakes this week but I did not just throw my hands in the air and eat everything in sight, I accepted it and got back on track.
So those are my confessions, for every bad one I came up with a good one. I thought it was only fair. That being said, please continue to keep my accountable and follow up with me. Feel free to text or message me on FB or even email melissahueste@yahoo.com I love hearing from everyone and it has really helped me to know that I have people in my corner. Thanks!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
TEAM MELISSA!!
So if you are reading this and following my journey, I am now considering you a part of my team. I am so thankful for all of the encouraging words and support. I have realized that I cannot do this alone, which is what I have been trying to do. I want each of you to feel free to call, email, question me, and hold me accountable to my goals. I would love to hear thoughts, ideas, recipes, favorite workouts, and whatever else you want (if you do not have my phone # send me a FB message and I will get it to you). I would love to talk to each of you. I have hidden myself away for so long (this topic will be a later post I am sure) that I am now craving relationships and missing those of you that I have not seen or talked to in ages (and I am no longer considering FB as social contact). I would love to start scheduling coffee, lunches, dinners, workouts, or just hang out times with you all. So if you have time to pencil me in I would LOVE it. Thank you for being a part of this journey and more importantly being a part of my life.
PS~ I will post a status for Team Melissa each time that I update this blog just so you can keep up if you want. I will do it that way because I am still unsure about sharing this with everyone.
PS~ I will post a status for Team Melissa each time that I update this blog just so you can keep up if you want. I will do it that way because I am still unsure about sharing this with everyone.
Weigh In & Goals Week 1
So I had a GREAT week!! Lets talk goals for a minute. I did not have any fast food and inadvertantly stayed away from soda, too. I kept a journal of all foods and only went over 1600 calories once. There is a low point I only made it to the gym once, I will work on that this week.
So are you ready for some numbers?
Start Weight: 289.6
Current Weight: 277.6
WEIGHT LOST: 12 friggin pounds!!!!!!!
Current BMI: 48.0
Current % of body fat: 47.5
*I will do measurements next week, I think that the BMI is a pretty brave addition for this week. *
Goals for this week:
1. Continue to log all food and stay below 1600 calories.
2. Do at least one social thing this week!
3. Do at least 4 workouts. (This is my struggle so I am being realistic)
4. No fast food or soda.
So are you ready for some numbers?
Start Weight: 289.6
Current Weight: 277.6
WEIGHT LOST: 12 friggin pounds!!!!!!!
Current BMI: 48.0
Current % of body fat: 47.5
*I will do measurements next week, I think that the BMI is a pretty brave addition for this week. *
Goals for this week:
1. Continue to log all food and stay below 1600 calories.
2. Do at least one social thing this week!
3. Do at least 4 workouts. (This is my struggle so I am being realistic)
4. No fast food or soda.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A Little Update.....
So I have approached this lifestyle change with a much different attitude. I do not have this big plan, menus for months on end, and I am not being hard on myself. Disciplined yes, crazy overhauling my life in one week.....no! I am not crazy motivated and gung ho on this whole process which is different than any other time I have attempted to lose weight. I am kinda just at peace. I know that I need this, and I know that I can do it, and above all I now know that I have an amazing support system. I have not felt that in years. Everyone's responses have made me realize that I could have asked for help a long time ago. I dont really know what type of help I need (insert jokes here) but I hope every one has cell phones handy for chocolate melt downs, freak out moments, and emergency exercise sessions, and just some regular hang out time and good conversations (I think this will turn into another blog topic later). I cannot thank you enough for all of the support.
Okay, on to the real update. I have done really well on the food portion of this change. I have eaten every 3 to 4 hours and have stayed in my calorie range with exception of last night when I went 227 calories over but I am sure that I laughed those off or at least sweat it all off walking to my car today. I have not made it to the gym or done any exercise of any kind this week and I am okay with that at the moment because I know that so far this week I have done what I can and I have done my best. I will get to the gym but it might not be until Friday. And I have not had a soda in 6 days, 6 days people!!!!! I have also been drinking the water in mass quantities which means that I have to pee ever 15 minutes but whatever it takes, right?
Oh if you have any ideas of activities that I should try (on a limited budget of course) let me know. I am seriously thinking that Zumba classes might be the first monthly activity.
Okay, on to the real update. I have done really well on the food portion of this change. I have eaten every 3 to 4 hours and have stayed in my calorie range with exception of last night when I went 227 calories over but I am sure that I laughed those off or at least sweat it all off walking to my car today. I have not made it to the gym or done any exercise of any kind this week and I am okay with that at the moment because I know that so far this week I have done what I can and I have done my best. I will get to the gym but it might not be until Friday. And I have not had a soda in 6 days, 6 days people!!!!! I have also been drinking the water in mass quantities which means that I have to pee ever 15 minutes but whatever it takes, right?
Oh if you have any ideas of activities that I should try (on a limited budget of course) let me know. I am seriously thinking that Zumba classes might be the first monthly activity.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Week 1 Stats & Goals
Goal #1. I will not partake in any fast food.
Goal #2. I will go to the gym 3 times and do 3 morning workouts this week.
Goal #3. I will keep track of every bite I eat in my food journal and stay under 1600 calories.
My starting weight is 289.6 I said I would post it, I didn't say I would make it easy to read!
Goal #2. I will go to the gym 3 times and do 3 morning workouts this week.
Goal #3. I will keep track of every bite I eat in my food journal and stay under 1600 calories.
My starting weight is 289.6 I said I would post it, I didn't say I would make it easy to read!
I Deserve Better.......
I deserve better, these simple words that I read on some woman's shirt in the middle of Dillard's have caused a few weeks of deep thought and my conclusion is that I do deserve better. Not from others (although that would be nice) but from myself. So here are my conclusions: I deserve to live a life of health, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved (by myself and others), I deserve to have fun, I deserve to live the life I want not the life I currently have, I deserve to be confident, I deserve to love, I deserve to live.
Now, one might wonder why it is that before this woman's shirt that I did not feel like I did not deserve any of these things. Well here it is I am fat. My entire life revolves around me being fat and the (definitely not positive) effect that my weight has had on my thoughts, perceptions, relationships, and well every other aspect of my life.
This blog is a way for me to vent and be very real on my journey to lose weight and gain the life that until now I never thought I deserved. I am writing publicly so that you (whoever you are) will keep me accountable but also because if I am able to get my thoughts out in the open and in the light they are no longer bombarding me and cannot keep me defeated. I will be writing honestly so hold onto your hats because it will not always be pretty but hopefully it will be helpful to myself and to you.
Now, one might wonder why it is that before this woman's shirt that I did not feel like I did not deserve any of these things. Well here it is I am fat. My entire life revolves around me being fat and the (definitely not positive) effect that my weight has had on my thoughts, perceptions, relationships, and well every other aspect of my life.
This blog is a way for me to vent and be very real on my journey to lose weight and gain the life that until now I never thought I deserved. I am writing publicly so that you (whoever you are) will keep me accountable but also because if I am able to get my thoughts out in the open and in the light they are no longer bombarding me and cannot keep me defeated. I will be writing honestly so hold onto your hats because it will not always be pretty but hopefully it will be helpful to myself and to you.
So here is the deal, I am completely rearranging my life (I know I have said that 20 times in the past 2 1/2 years but this time I have a different mind set) to improve my health, achieve my weight loss goals, and to take control of my life and begin living. In order to do those things:
- I will have 3 goals each week to improve my life in some way. At first they will be geared towards weight loss but then I will start mixing it up.
- I will post current stats each week (even if it kills me and it will at first). I feel it is important for me to be very honest.
- I will pick a new "adventure" or class each month in efforts to change things up a bit. Suggestions are more than welcome.
- I will blog at least twice a week. At which time I will be honest about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
- I will ask for help when I need it. (that is HUGE for me, just in case you did not know)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
