Let's go back in time to September 25, 2010

Sorry for the absence, it has been for both good and bad reasons. I am going to start with the bad reasons first. On this Saturday night I found my self sitting in my room surrounded by 3 sacks of fast food, a very large soda, and a large sonic blast. Yep you read correctly. As I was eating my KFC, SONIC, and Mickey Ds, I was crying, not just a few tears I was sobbing. I had left my house to find something to eat and I kept driving places and buying things. This was an all new low for me, I had hit rock bottom. I finally leveled with myself and it is time that I level with you.
At that point I did not believe that there was any hope for me, my thoughts were: I will never lose weight, I will never be happy, I will never be loved, I am HOPELESS. I think the loss of hope is the scariest feeling of all, because if you do not have hope, what is the point of living? But then I realized I haven't been living I have been sitting and hiding. I have known that this is how I have been feeling for a while I just did not want to admit it. But I said it all out loud over and over again as I was engorging myself with an insane amount of food and crying. The next night I found myself sitting on my friend's couch (thanks Dawn) and ended up blurting out all of those feelings over again. This time I didn't feel ashamed, I felt sad, a little embarrassed but affirmed at the same time. As I was driving home from Dawn's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a very long time.................I felt hope. I think the fact that I was willing to honestly voice my feelings, not candy coat them or skirt around them, allowed me to put myself in a place to start looking for hope. And at that point something in me clicked. I was done feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was done hiding myself away. I was done doubting that I could ever have a happy future. I was done believing that I cannot change. I CAN CHANGE, I DO HAVE HOPE, and I AM LOVED (even though the elusive "in love" is still questionable to me, which comes up in next weeks post). I CAN HAVE THE FUTURE I WANT TO HAVE, IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THE WORK AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I CHOOSE TO LIVE!