Shards and Slivers of My Heart

My heart is shattered into a million pieces, the how and circumstances of it all is not the important part nor is it the reason that I am writing this. My heart is shattered into a million pieces but I know who is the Keeper of my heart. I know that each and every minuscule piece, shard, and sliver is accounted for and is in safe in His hands. I know that He will make it whole again. There will be nothing missing, nothing lacking, it will be whole. Sure, it will be changed. There will be lines and crevices where pieces are bound together with His healing and peace. The shape might be changed,  my heart won't be smaller it will increase, grow with the experience. It will be no less complete than before. It won't be hardened or calloused; it will be wiser, it will be renewed with the love and joy that only God can bring when I place my heart, slivers, shards, and all into His hands.

James 1:4 AMP But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

 

Joel 2:12-13 NLT

¹² That is why the Lord says,
    “Turn to me now, while there is time.
Give me your hearts.
    Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
¹³ Don’t tear your clothing in your grief,
    but tear your hearts instead.”
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
    He is eager to relent and not punish.

 

Psalm 51:16-17 MSG

Going through the motions doesn’t please you,
    a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
    when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
    don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.

What if I stumble....

I haven't just stumbled or slipped over the past couple of weeks, I have face planted over and over again, but here is what I know, I don't have to walk in shame or guilt. God's not like Santa, He doesn't keep a naughty and nice list, He doesn't count my mistakes, He doesn't hold them against me, and He will not bring them up ever again. If it's in the past 3 years, 3 days, or the last 3 minutes and you've asked for forgiveness He has no recollection of it. He has thrown it out. If we continue to walk in guilt and shame then we are denying ourselves the freedom, joy, and peace of Jesus, we are in essence denying Jesus and the price He paid for me and the sacrifice God gave for me. Yup, let that sink in for a minute. Don't miss out, walk in freedom knowing that you are fully forgiven, and do not let stumbling (or face planting in my case) convince you that you are disqualified from the race.
John 8:36 (AMP)
 So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free.

Sometimes I need to see the change..........

So I was scrolling through some pics on FB and found a picture the other day that horrified me. I was a picture of me 4 years ago...4 years and 2 days to be exact. I can not believe that I was that person, that I looked like that. It made me sad but it also made me realize how much I have changed, how my efforts are not in vain but they really are paying off. I might not see it everyday but that day I needed to see it. I'm not ready to give up or give in but I have been frustrated with this journey for the past few weeks. That being said, I took the horrifying picture and smooshed it next to a current picture, the result, well you take a gander, tell me what you think.

Yep that was me and that is me. There are a few things that are going on here but first and for most, I have a neck now.  Yesterday, I showed this picture to my friend/mentor/licensing supervisor. She said, "the picture is amazing but how much more incredible would it be if we could have taken a picture of you inside then and now." Well that really got me thinking. That Melissa, the old one, that Melissa was broken, hated herself, and was slowly day by day killing herself and was ok with that because that Melissa did not think she deserved anything better. That me didn't know how to live. That Melissa did not know that she was loved, that Melissa was miserable, that Melissa was a big ball of walking insecurity, shame, guilt, and bitterness. I can see that person, sometimes I can hear her small voice in the back of my head, but I don't know that person any longer. I don't mourn the loss of that person, I do not miss that person. I love me, now. I love the me that I am in this moment, on this journey, and the me that I am becoming. Sometimes you need to be reminded of where you came from. Sometimes you need to see it in the physical and then sometimes you need to be able to go deeper, you need to look and see the changes that go beyond the physical because honestly, this isn't about the fact that I found an actual neck, this is about being able to look someone in the eye and not be ashamed or apologetic of the person I am. This is about loving and accepting me.

 

Apples & Oranges

You cannot compare people anymore than you can compare apples and oranges. Well you can compare them but you will ultimately end up frustrated, take it from an expert. I recently found myself in a situation where I was comparing 2 different people in my life, I have been completely frustrated and at times hurt because Person A is not like Person B and I really, really want them to be. But just like fruit, the similarities in people are mostly in the physical.

Apples and oranges are both fruit, have skin, seeds, and inner flesh. Both are colorful and have lots of varieties. Same can be said for people. But here is where it gets tricky. An apple can never be an orange. If I pick up an apple and get frustrated and angry because it does not taste like an orange, well that is my problem, not the apple's. For me to expect an apple to change everything about itself and to become an orange, then I am not truly accepting the apple.

So the moral of my story. If you are expecting an apple to become an orange or even just want the apple to be more like an orange, you are going to end up frustrated and possibly damaging your relationship with the apple because you are placing expectations on the apple that the apple cannot fulfill.

Exposure

I remember laying in bed the first night I was in the Philippines. It was crazy hot, I was in the middle of the jungle (okay, maybe not the jungle but it looked more jungle than anywhere else I had ever been), there were no windows and the crazy sounds coming from the lizards on the wall (yes, they make crying noises) it was all closing in on me. I started seeing shadows on the wall it looked like a snake and then I froze when I swear I saw the shadow of a lion on the wall. I started getting scared, I started doubting that I made the right decision to come, I started visualizing how I was going to die, I began freaking out, I had all sort of crazy thoughts, worst possible situations and horrible outcomes. I laid there for what seemed like forever and then finally I gathered the nerve to get up and turn on the light. It was a tree, the shadow of a fricking tree.

I learned a lesson that night, I lesson I still use almost 15 years later. Things in the dark are always scarier, when left in the dark the scarier and bigger they get but when you expose them to the light they aren't as scary.

This works for everything in my opinion, but for me it was all about my thought life. I have crazy, ridiculous, irrational thoughts for the first 30+ years of my life I kept all those thoughts to myself, they grew, gnawed, and crept into and took over every area of my life. These thoughts overtook my mind and consumed my heart. They fed on each other and became so consuming that I completely shut down. But a few years ago I remembered laying in that bed in the Philippines. I remembered the difference that exposure makes. I was at a point where I had almost given up hope and I knew I needed to do something drastic. I talked to someone I trusted and I exposed one of those thoughts, a tiny one. What I realized in that moment is that the moment that I exposed that thought, it was ridiculous, it lost its power. I started talking more, I started exposing more, and I began to be able to stand against the thoughts. I began to see them for what they were irrational, ridiculous lies. I still struggle and it's not easy but it is so much better.

 You have to speak to the thoughts you can't just keep it all inside because it just grows and becomes stronger and consuming and the longer it is kept inside the scarier it gets to expose it. I get it, I fully understand. Pastor Bill says that you cannot combat thoughts with thoughts you beat thoughts with words, with the Word. Follow me here: The Bible is God's word-->Jesus is part of God--> Jesus is the light--> thus we use God's word and the Light to combat the lies and the thoughts and the icky parts we keep hidden inside because we are to scared to expose it.

Do you have thoughts or habits or things you have had hidden inside of you for so long that they have consumed your life and your heart? For me the thoughts were ingrained in me, I was so consumed I just shut down. The longer you keep those thoughts in the dark, the bigger they grow, the more power you give them. YOU have to take action, combat them, speak to them OUTLOUD, speak the Word, speak life, expose them to the light. Because I honestly don't know that there is any other way to beat them.  

The Evolution of a Selfie

So I have never been one to want to have my picture taken, well unless I was forcing people to take pictures with me. I mean, I had to have proof that I actually did have friends (the scary part here it that I was trying to prove it to myself, not others). I just hated seeing pictures of me, it was proof that I really did look like what I feared I looked like instead of what I wanted to look like. That being said I noticed that I have started taking an abundance of Selfies and I LOVE THEM. Okay, I don't love all of them and I totally play with the edit button, but I realize that I like pictures of myself. I probably take one a day, now I don't like every one of them but I do keep the ones I like and I post them. I post them because at this point I have come to understand that if you don't like me AND the container that I come in, I probably don't need you in my life. It is not my problem if you cannot handle my amazingness, its yours. (of course I realize that those other people are probably not reading this). I also realize that no one is as caught up in how I look as I am............most people probably don't even think about it.

I heard a quote somewhere the other day that  I posted on FB and yet because the FB powers that be did weird things to FB, I cannot find said quote (mental note: write down cool quotes somewhere other than FB). So I am going to try to remember. It was something like : "Insecure people find faults and flaws in others, Secure people embrace their flaws. I am learn to embrace my flaw and if it take posting a daily selfie, than so be it. If you don't like it don't look at it! I say that this is the year that I quit being critical of myself and of others and I start embracing flaws, differences, and all that other stuff. 2014 is a year of change and I am excited about this new journey.

What Are You Waiting For?

It’s been awhile, I know, and I apologize for the absence. That being said let’s get on with the writing.

I have a new fascination with quotes. I have started lists of them, I cut them out of magazines, and I have even started decorating with them. As I am sitting on my bed writing this blog, there is one staring me in the face in pink lettering shouting “What are you waiting for?”. Honestly I have no clue what I am waiting for, I know what I want, but waiting for it is ridiculous. I have to activate my life, sitting on my couch living vicariously through the life of Ugly Betty is not getting me any closer to my goals. It’s great TV, but is not helping me be a better me.

I realize now that I have been living by the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. That is not how I want to continue to live my life. I want to actually LIVE my life. This journey is no longer about losing weight (don’t get me wrong that is one of the main goals), this journey is about finding the joy in life, getting to know myself, and learning to accept and love the me that I find along the way.

The next few months will bring a lot of changes and I am going to start embracing those changes. I will be changing jobs, going back to the gym, and for the love of all things holy, I will be watching less TV. I have realized over the past few days and countless hours of Ugly Betty, I cannot just sit around and wait for things to happen, this is my life and I have to make things happen and put myself on the path that I want to take because no one else can do it for me. I see 2012 as the year that I empower and reinvent myself and then launch myself at the unsuspecting world around me. So strap in my friends because this could be a long and interesting journey.