I have a spot on my bucket list devoted to Halloween. It might shock some people but I will tell you, I want to go to a costume party and I want to be dressed in some hot, slightly hooker-ish, sexy costume and I want to look hot and sexy in it. I am planning to do such a thing on Halloween next year. Now, it is quite possible that I would not leave my house in such a costume but I kinda just want to know that I could if I want to. Most Halloween's I sit and think about what I would do but this is the first time that I have ever believed that slightly hooker-ish costume will be a possibility in the future. I am excited. And I have managed to stay away from the candy..........for the most part.
Sorry it has taken a while for me to update but oddly enough I have been busy. I am attending Zumba classes at least 3 times a week and have started a couch to 5K program in the mornings that I do not go to Zumba. I rest on Sunday. I have been so tired and have been going to bed pretty early. Just in the past few days I have started feeling the energy from the workouts. Thank God, because I have been so very tired. I have also started Weight Watchers. I felt I needed just some extra food accountability and the points counting seems to work better for me than calorie counting. I promised myself that I will do 8 weeks of meetings before I stop just to get a little control on the food aspect. I finally feel like it is all truly clicking!! Plus I have started doing things that are out of my comfort zone: I did a night of NM, where I have no clue what I was doing, I have gone to 3 workout classes alone, and I sought out help when I needed it.
I am loving my life at the moment because I am learning who I am and what God has for me. I don't love the current state that my body is in but I can say that I am beginning to embrace and love the person that I am. That is the difference. I have been judging myself on the person I see in the mirror and the hate and lies that I have told myself for years and two weeks ago that changed when I realized I am a new creation. I have a new identity. I am quite enjoying it. It is because I can see past the dysfunctional thinking, the lies, and the person in the mirror that I am able to press on with the journey in front of me. My new identity is why I finally believe that I have worth and that I can do anything I put my hands to!! You might ask why, and it is because I know (and I am continually learning) who I am in Christ and how God loves and sees me! Don't get me wrong, I still have to check myself and I struggle at times but I do not let it take over. I have cheated on the diet, I was only able to go 2 days without a Latte but I didn't trash myself I learned from my mistakes, made a new plan and moved on. I just have a peace in my life and a joy that has NEVER before been there and it is AWESOME!!!
So here are some guidelines that I am currently following:
1. I do at least 3 Zumba classes.
2. I never leave the gym without burning at least 500 calories
3. I will plan meals and take snacks and lunches each day so that I am always prepared
4. I will log all foods
5. I will try something outside of my comfort zone
6. I no longer say "I can't"
7. I will meditate daily on the Word!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A BIG Change
True story, I have gone to church my entire life, every Sunday and Wednesday (minus the last 4 years). I confessed Jesus as my Savior when I was 10 at church camp and then figured out what that really meant around the age of 15. I have completed ministry trainings and served my heart out at the church that I truly considered my home since I was 16 years old and it was not until today that the words “I am a new creation in Christ” actually permeated into my heart and mind. I know the scripture (2 Cor 5:17), I’m sure that I have said it multiple times, I have prayed it over others and used it while ministering, but I never applied it to my own life…….until today. Today I am a new creation, I am a new creature, I am a new species, there is not another like me, and old things have passed away (they are dead, gone, adiosed, have left the building) and ALL things (my mind, heart, thoughts, words) have become new (different then before hopefully completely opposite than the old me).
Now don’t get me wrong, I love God and have for a very long time but somewhere along the line I just added God to the old Melissa and kept trucking along when I should have accepted the ability to be a new creation and instead of just adding God to the mix, I should have started a new life that was built with God as the foundation. However, I have never been known to do things the easy way. My thinking was probably along the lines of “I have always been a good person, have always gone to church, so what is there really to change?”. Well let’s see how about a completely irrational, degrading, and sad way of thinking about myself for starters.
So back to today, today I got up I made the decision to go to church, I got there and honestly all I really remember is Pastor Bill saying “I was a new creation, new species, there was not another like me” and it hit me, I mean like ton of bricks and turn all the lights in the house on hit me. This is why I have struggled for years because I could never let go of the old person and I always tried to just fit God into my life when I should have been building my life around him. I finally saw it as clear as day. So as I was driving home from church I pulled the car into the Takee-outee parking lot and prayed and I really prayed. It wasn’t one of those in passing prayers that is said because I told someone I would pray for them but it was core shaking, life changing, and completely honest communication with God. It was life renewing. I didn’t cry or fall apart but I felt this sense of peace that I haven’t ever felt before and then it hit, hope and love, I felt loved, truly loved which is something I haven’t felt in years and had the feeling, no I had the knowing of hope. Don’t ask me what hope feels like but I got it, lots of it!!! And no this just isn’t a weight loss thing, this is a Melissa’s life was pointless, sad, void of hope and then she heard a good word, had a revelation, and then reconciled with God and I know, that I know, that I know that God truly does have a plan and purpose for my life and it starts with me being a new creation!!
I just wanted to share this, there will be another blog post about me, church and the bitterness and shame that led to my 4 year “vacation” from God and everything social because I think it is important to share, but tonight I am just going to bask in the Amazingness of Jesus in the new me and the love that my Father has for me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love God and have for a very long time but somewhere along the line I just added God to the old Melissa and kept trucking along when I should have accepted the ability to be a new creation and instead of just adding God to the mix, I should have started a new life that was built with God as the foundation. However, I have never been known to do things the easy way. My thinking was probably along the lines of “I have always been a good person, have always gone to church, so what is there really to change?”. Well let’s see how about a completely irrational, degrading, and sad way of thinking about myself for starters.
So back to today, today I got up I made the decision to go to church, I got there and honestly all I really remember is Pastor Bill saying “I was a new creation, new species, there was not another like me” and it hit me, I mean like ton of bricks and turn all the lights in the house on hit me. This is why I have struggled for years because I could never let go of the old person and I always tried to just fit God into my life when I should have been building my life around him. I finally saw it as clear as day. So as I was driving home from church I pulled the car into the Takee-outee parking lot and prayed and I really prayed. It wasn’t one of those in passing prayers that is said because I told someone I would pray for them but it was core shaking, life changing, and completely honest communication with God. It was life renewing. I didn’t cry or fall apart but I felt this sense of peace that I haven’t ever felt before and then it hit, hope and love, I felt loved, truly loved which is something I haven’t felt in years and had the feeling, no I had the knowing of hope. Don’t ask me what hope feels like but I got it, lots of it!!! And no this just isn’t a weight loss thing, this is a Melissa’s life was pointless, sad, void of hope and then she heard a good word, had a revelation, and then reconciled with God and I know, that I know, that I know that God truly does have a plan and purpose for my life and it starts with me being a new creation!!
I just wanted to share this, there will be another blog post about me, church and the bitterness and shame that led to my 4 year “vacation” from God and everything social because I think it is important to share, but tonight I am just going to bask in the Amazingness of Jesus in the new me and the love that my Father has for me.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Send me your photo, I wanna set you up......
Week of 10/4:
This is the text I received from my sister. It sent me into panic mode, full on panic mode. This is a rather funny response for someone who wants nothing more than to find someone to love and be loved in return, but alas it was my response. So I started making all kinds of accusations of the guy from the info that my sister sent me. I was mean and rude to my sister, especially when she asked me to send her a better picture. It was not one of my best moments. I finally came clean and told my sister, through email of course.
The following is said email: Hey, I did not mean to shut you completely down last night this is just a very touchy subject with me, especially now as I am trying to lose weight. Here is the deal, that is probably one of the best pics of me that I think I have. The truth is that I am fat and not really pretty, I get that. Do you know how many pictures I have sent to people over the years, a lot. Do you know how many men have ever responded after seeing my picture none, well I take that back, there was one but he wanted to meet up at some hotel.....not happening. I started looking for things wrong with this guy the second I got your email because it was easier than thinking that he was a possibility and then sending a picture only to never get a response and once again being judged and rejected on my looks rather than the person that I am. Of course if he did respond I would wonder what was wrong with him because, I really wouldn't want to date me. These are my issues and I am working on them, but I know that I was not nice or fair last night. If you want to continue with this setup I am okay with it, you can look thru my pics on the computer and find one you like, however right now what you see is what you get and if someone can't hang with that and like me fat they are going to have to wait a while because it is going to take a while to get the weight off. It does mean a lot that you were trying to set me up. I would have told you all this last night but it would have taken a while because I would have cried the entire time. I don't do well talking to others about my thoughts or feelings, which is funny considering my line of work. I am sure that he is a great guy and who knows what could happen but just know that this whole thing is a huge issue for me so when I freak out there is a reason behind it and I am not trying to be mean and I am not unappreciative especially since you are one of two people that have ever tried to set me up.
That was probably the first time I was ever able to be honest with my sister about how I feel about myself. She was amazingly supportive and she went ahead and sent a picture and my info to the guy. But there has been no response, not shocking and I am okay with it because I know that God has someone for me and honestly right now is probably not the best time for me to start a relationship, I kinda need to learn to love myself before I can expect someone else to love me.
But I would like to report that this did not send me spiraling into the depths of despair. I stayed on course and ate well and Zumbad 3 times this week as well at lost 1 pound that puts me at 275. Oh and read the next blog about my jaunt to spin class this week.
This is the text I received from my sister. It sent me into panic mode, full on panic mode. This is a rather funny response for someone who wants nothing more than to find someone to love and be loved in return, but alas it was my response. So I started making all kinds of accusations of the guy from the info that my sister sent me. I was mean and rude to my sister, especially when she asked me to send her a better picture. It was not one of my best moments. I finally came clean and told my sister, through email of course.
The following is said email: Hey, I did not mean to shut you completely down last night this is just a very touchy subject with me, especially now as I am trying to lose weight. Here is the deal, that is probably one of the best pics of me that I think I have. The truth is that I am fat and not really pretty, I get that. Do you know how many pictures I have sent to people over the years, a lot. Do you know how many men have ever responded after seeing my picture none, well I take that back, there was one but he wanted to meet up at some hotel.....not happening. I started looking for things wrong with this guy the second I got your email because it was easier than thinking that he was a possibility and then sending a picture only to never get a response and once again being judged and rejected on my looks rather than the person that I am. Of course if he did respond I would wonder what was wrong with him because, I really wouldn't want to date me. These are my issues and I am working on them, but I know that I was not nice or fair last night. If you want to continue with this setup I am okay with it, you can look thru my pics on the computer and find one you like, however right now what you see is what you get and if someone can't hang with that and like me fat they are going to have to wait a while because it is going to take a while to get the weight off. It does mean a lot that you were trying to set me up. I would have told you all this last night but it would have taken a while because I would have cried the entire time. I don't do well talking to others about my thoughts or feelings, which is funny considering my line of work. I am sure that he is a great guy and who knows what could happen but just know that this whole thing is a huge issue for me so when I freak out there is a reason behind it and I am not trying to be mean and I am not unappreciative especially since you are one of two people that have ever tried to set me up.
That was probably the first time I was ever able to be honest with my sister about how I feel about myself. She was amazingly supportive and she went ahead and sent a picture and my info to the guy. But there has been no response, not shocking and I am okay with it because I know that God has someone for me and honestly right now is probably not the best time for me to start a relationship, I kinda need to learn to love myself before I can expect someone else to love me.
But I would like to report that this did not send me spiraling into the depths of despair. I stayed on course and ate well and Zumbad 3 times this week as well at lost 1 pound that puts me at 275. Oh and read the next blog about my jaunt to spin class this week.
On to the week of September 27th
Well I made a promise to myself that I will be proactive so today I weighed 276. My weekend of binging added 2 pounds. (I was surprised it was only 2) Then I packed my gym bag and left for work. I convinced a couple friends from work to join me for Zumba at the community center. We Zumbad and then I came home and ate a healthy dinner. Then I went to sleep, woke up the next day and packed a good breakfast and lunch went to work and printed out all the class schedules for each Y in Tulsa and proceeded to make a weekly calendar of classes that I wanted to attend and started recruiting my friends from work to join in. I have to thank Mandy, Amanda, and Kirby for being extremely supportive and Amanda has been a consistent encourager (and she comes to classes). So this week we went to Zumba on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday Morning (I know it is kinda unbelievable) and I LOVE ZUMBA. I kept my food in check but was not strict. I finally felt good. So this week I continued to be proactive and I sought change and chased down hope! I also hung out with some great people because I am not hiding anymore.
Let's go back in time to September 25, 2010
Sorry for the absence, it has been for both good and bad reasons. I am going to start with the bad reasons first. On this Saturday night I found my self sitting in my room surrounded by 3 sacks of fast food, a very large soda, and a large sonic blast. Yep you read correctly. As I was eating my KFC, SONIC, and Mickey Ds, I was crying, not just a few tears I was sobbing. I had left my house to find something to eat and I kept driving places and buying things. This was an all new low for me, I had hit rock bottom. I finally leveled with myself and it is time that I level with you.
At that point I did not believe that there was any hope for me, my thoughts were: I will never lose weight, I will never be happy, I will never be loved, I am HOPELESS. I think the loss of hope is the scariest feeling of all, because if you do not have hope, what is the point of living? But then I realized I haven't been living I have been sitting and hiding. I have known that this is how I have been feeling for a while I just did not want to admit it. But I said it all out loud over and over again as I was engorging myself with an insane amount of food and crying. The next night I found myself sitting on my friend's couch (thanks Dawn) and ended up blurting out all of those feelings over again. This time I didn't feel ashamed, I felt sad, a little embarrassed but affirmed at the same time. As I was driving home from Dawn's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a very long time.................I felt hope. I think the fact that I was willing to honestly voice my feelings, not candy coat them or skirt around them, allowed me to put myself in a place to start looking for hope. And at that point something in me clicked. I was done feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was done hiding myself away. I was done doubting that I could ever have a happy future. I was done believing that I cannot change. I CAN CHANGE, I DO HAVE HOPE, and I AM LOVED (even though the elusive "in love" is still questionable to me, which comes up in next weeks post). I CAN HAVE THE FUTURE I WANT TO HAVE, IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THE WORK AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I CHOOSE TO LIVE!
At that point I did not believe that there was any hope for me, my thoughts were: I will never lose weight, I will never be happy, I will never be loved, I am HOPELESS. I think the loss of hope is the scariest feeling of all, because if you do not have hope, what is the point of living? But then I realized I haven't been living I have been sitting and hiding. I have known that this is how I have been feeling for a while I just did not want to admit it. But I said it all out loud over and over again as I was engorging myself with an insane amount of food and crying. The next night I found myself sitting on my friend's couch (thanks Dawn) and ended up blurting out all of those feelings over again. This time I didn't feel ashamed, I felt sad, a little embarrassed but affirmed at the same time. As I was driving home from Dawn's house I felt something that I hadn't felt in a very long time.................I felt hope. I think the fact that I was willing to honestly voice my feelings, not candy coat them or skirt around them, allowed me to put myself in a place to start looking for hope. And at that point something in me clicked. I was done feeling sad and sorry for myself. I was done hiding myself away. I was done doubting that I could ever have a happy future. I was done believing that I cannot change. I CAN CHANGE, I DO HAVE HOPE, and I AM LOVED (even though the elusive "in love" is still questionable to me, which comes up in next weeks post). I CAN HAVE THE FUTURE I WANT TO HAVE, IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THE WORK AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I CHOOSE TO LIVE!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Drumroll, please!
So in the past week I have gone from 279 to 274!!! That is 5 POUNDS!!! I LOST 5 POUNDS THIS WEEK!! It has been a good week. And this week has been even better. I am watching my food and I am recruiting people to workout out with me!!
**I'm not focusing on going to the gym but on going to classes and back to the original plan of going to ZUMBA at least twice a week. I will post my Zumba schedule when I get it finalized and anyone is welcome to join in.
**I am sticking to a 4 meals at 400 calories a day and kinda following the Flat Belly Diet but mostly using it for new and quick meal ideas.
Here is a new big goal. I am going to San Francisco in November. I am (not I would like to, or want to, or think I can ) going to lose 30 more pounds before the 22nd of November when I get on that plane.
** I am also going to be able to walk at least 5 miles a day (my dad is currently walking 7.5 a day) so I can at least kind of keep up with him. Therefore I am looking for walking buddies. If anyone has a free evening I will meet you where ever. I am going to try to walk for 1 hour every morning before work (which means I need to be up and on the road by 5:45AM) so far this week I have gotten up at 6:50AM (and that is good for me) so if anyone is up at 5:45AM feel free to call me and tell me to get my butt out of bed and walk! (YES I AM BEING VERY SERIOUS)
** I have a new rule it is that if I am watching TV I have to be active for at least 20 mins of each show. So my bosu and STEP are getting some use as well as my little weights and my balance balls.
**My other new rule is that for every pound I lose each week I double the amount and put that amount of money into my new bank (see above image of Gertie) to be used for a Melissa Makeover when I get under 200! I will also put all extra dollar bills inside of Gertie!!
So there you have it. I LOST 5 LBS last week and I am looking to lose at least 3 this week. It is BL season which means I am even more motivated. I hope you all have a great week!!
Lots of Love!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A little late but still an update!
So sorry, this week has been kinda busy. It was my nephew Max's birthday and my dad has been in town and I have been working later at night, all that being said, I put off blogging. But here is the weigh in that I should have reported on Monday.
CURRENT WEIGHT 279.2!!! (It's a loss....and that even includes the birthday cake and cupcakes that I ate over the weekend) I am down a pound from last week, I will celebrate all weight losses.
Other dets of the week, not so great. I didn't work out and my food choices were just okay. So on to this week, even if it is almost over. I have been doing the 4 day detox from the Flat Belly Diet. It really is only detoxing of sugar, fast foods, and all the bad stuff. I have had to drink 2 liters of "sassy water" each day but I actually like it (sassy water = water, lemon, cucumbers, ginger, and mint) I think it is refreshing. The rest of the detox has just been basic nothing drastic. It is four 300 calorie meals a day. If I chose to do the diet for the next 28 days (the bonus is prepared menus, shopping lists, and not very expensive) the meals go up to 400 calories per meal. It is very practical and doable which is the only reason that I chose to follow another "diet" plan, I think it is a very healthy balance that I could stick to daily for a while.
On to other things going on this week. Don't go into shock or anything but I have actually been physically active 2 days in a row! I have this gym block going on in my life so I decided to quit making it a dreaded deal so my Reebok step, 5lb weights and I spent time together last night while watching the Ghost Whisperer (It was actually a pretty good work out, it wasn't Zumba but it did get my heart rate up). Oh and I walked for 45 mins on Monday with a client around her apartment complex, work and exercise, such a multitask-er I am!
I know that the week is almost over so I will only give myself 2 goals.
Okay so that was the update. Get ready for some juicy posts over the weekend. I do not have enough brain power or the appropriate emotions to write them tonight.
In honor of Max's birthday, I well tell you good bye like I tell him with a HI 5, Fist bump, and a "Peace Out"!!
CURRENT WEIGHT 279.2!!! (It's a loss....and that even includes the birthday cake and cupcakes that I ate over the weekend) I am down a pound from last week, I will celebrate all weight losses.
Other dets of the week, not so great. I didn't work out and my food choices were just okay. So on to this week, even if it is almost over. I have been doing the 4 day detox from the Flat Belly Diet. It really is only detoxing of sugar, fast foods, and all the bad stuff. I have had to drink 2 liters of "sassy water" each day but I actually like it (sassy water = water, lemon, cucumbers, ginger, and mint) I think it is refreshing. The rest of the detox has just been basic nothing drastic. It is four 300 calorie meals a day. If I chose to do the diet for the next 28 days (the bonus is prepared menus, shopping lists, and not very expensive) the meals go up to 400 calories per meal. It is very practical and doable which is the only reason that I chose to follow another "diet" plan, I think it is a very healthy balance that I could stick to daily for a while.
On to other things going on this week. Don't go into shock or anything but I have actually been physically active 2 days in a row! I have this gym block going on in my life so I decided to quit making it a dreaded deal so my Reebok step, 5lb weights and I spent time together last night while watching the Ghost Whisperer (It was actually a pretty good work out, it wasn't Zumba but it did get my heart rate up). Oh and I walked for 45 mins on Monday with a client around her apartment complex, work and exercise, such a multitask-er I am!
I know that the week is almost over so I will only give myself 2 goals.
1. Have three more days of physical activity.
2. Finish the 4 day detox strong and not sabotage myself on Friday before I start the next 28 days of the plan on Saturday!!Okay so that was the update. Get ready for some juicy posts over the weekend. I do not have enough brain power or the appropriate emotions to write them tonight.
In honor of Max's birthday, I well tell you good bye like I tell him with a HI 5, Fist bump, and a "Peace Out"!!
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